'Tis the Season!

It is officially the holiday season in 2014.

This family has started our yearly traditions. Within those traditions are hidden hope and heart. These children are growing. These traditions keep them children during this season. I hope they will be 25 and helping us pick out our tree for home. My hopes are high, I know. But I want that movie family. That all come home at Christmas. I know that if they do, they will insist on their traditions. Tree, gingerbread house, lights on the river and the hotel, the pickle, pajamas and hot chocolate, movies on the couch... and family love. 

With family being the center of December... it is also a time I find myself reflecting on the year. It's the end of a year. 2014. Wow. In 2013 we were married... in 2014 we welcomed a vibrant, soulful spirit named Ashton who has shaken up all our lives. He's a perfect blend of his daddy and me and a complete mix of all his brothers and sister. I can see and feel bits and pieces of all of us in him. What a blessing, what an addition to this already amazing family.  It is his first Christmas. He is too young to know and understand the magic of the holiday season but he can feel it.

He knows there is something unique brewing at this time of year. He sees the tree, he sees the lights but he has yet to witness the magic of Christmas. It's coming little one... it's coming!

Looking back at this year.. I miss those who are not around. They have gone through so much and it pains me to not be there. 

Such a busy time of year but we always had our coffee.. and we always had our lights. I hope... I will always have you! I scared you in 2008 ... you scared me in 2014. Difference is, I wasn't there. Our blood, our hearts... they won't work against us because we have strength and love and so many wonderful people around us. I just wish I had been there for you like you were for me. I hope this scare stays in 2014!

This world is in a turmoil. We are fighting amongst eachother. We are a target from others abroad. We need to move forward... in peace and solidarity. UNITED we stand. Divided we fall. I haven't spoken much about the recent events in this country. I don't feel it's my place. I wasn't there. For those not involved in the police community they don't know the details... they don't know the training, they don't know the quick decisions needed. There are police in areas that have to make the life or death decision every day. That is not their fault. The answer to "if i don't do this will i come home to my wife and children tonight..." shouldn't ever have to cross an average person's mind on a daily basis. There are bad people in every profession. There are doctors who are off their game and misdiagnose and result in people dying. They aren't labeled racist murderers. I've seen pictures of signs that say "For each cop killed the world is a better place." Really? This hurts the core of my being. This isn't race. Someone driving by my house, sees the patrol car in the driveway... they don't know my husband is not white. They don't know my husband has an amazing family, they don't know that he would fight to save them if they were in need. Yet, that patrol car.... labels him as a murderer. Wow, the world could never be so wrong. 2014. STOP with the labels. Black, White. Cop. Criminal. We are AMERICANS... and people in other countries want us dead because of that.  It's been very hard to keep a positive forefront the last half of this year. We will get through this. We will prevail. United!

Siblings

Oh. My kids. I love them. I am proud of them. Not just for who they are but who they have been and who they will become. Already. As siblings.. they may bicker and argue (more and more as the years go on) but they have a solid bond. They support each other. Honestly, they are the greatest gift I could have given to each one of them. I can only hope they keep this bond as they venture into adults. Because it is then that their individual qualities will really be needed by the other.

Brandon is quick becoming the best role model and big brother figure. He'll keep them accountable and remind them of what is important for their goals and successes. He picks one thing and masters it. He knows what he wants in life, for himself. That is to be the best he can be. We remind him to be a kid. Have fun and enjoy his friends because these are the years that truly shape who you are. The basis for your future that you will always look back on. Being the oldest, he knows the word responsibility... does what is asked of him without a word because he knows that the reward is greater when you work hard for it. His gift to the others is definitely leading by example and will be there to help accomplish things together. He's going to have their back when they need motivation and purpose. When they don't know what college to go to.. or what direction to take. He will help them with the steps to get there and to make it happen.

Kali is the family jackie of all trades. She finds an interest.. she does it and she does good at it. She has the magnetic personality that everyone wants to be around. Yesterday as I was telling her that there will be alot of people in the stands looking at her and to just focus on her squad... she said "Mom, I don't get stage fright." This is true. She can put herself out there in life and not be afraid. She has gotten let down but she keeps on going. She's tenacious and vibrant. If she wants something.. she tries for it. Her spirit amazes me. She is definitely her sibling's cheerleader. She will be the support and feminine love that her brothers need.. long after they are out of the house. She will be the positive support .. the "you can do it" voice they will need to make that final decision. "Can I really take this job?..." One of her brothers will ask.. "Yes. You can... and you will do great because...." They are so lucky to have her as such a positive force. She will remind them that sometimes.. a hug really does cure it all. Being the only girl... she will be bombarded with girl questions from her brothers and be the one to help translate their relationships. They couldn't ask for more level-headed advice. She will help put it in perspective why their future wives do what they do. Because they just want a hug and cuddle!

Evan.... Evan will be there to remind them to not take life too seriously. Yet, he will be the one to constantly instill in them the importance of the family unit. The first two will be off... doing their own thing and it will be him to remind them they need to come home and visit mom and dad. That our hearts are what is important... and it's those who have cared for us who deserves our time. I think .... in my older days, it will be Evan that I am so thankful for. He won't forget and he won't get too caught up to visit. He will be arranging the get-togethers and be the Uncle that all my grandchildren will adore. He will be the one to drop all he is doing in a millisecond to help his brothers or sister in need. If one of them gets themselves in a bad living situation. It will be Evan that leaves where he is and drives 3 hours to help them move at 11:00 pm. He may be the source of little brother annoyance right now... but his heart is the so deep and his mind is so loving. He puts himself after everyone else and that my brothers and sisters... Is rare.

Ashton is far too little to get a feel for his qualities and aspirations.. but he is the littlest, by far. He is so fortunate to see these wonderful three grow and become who they are. I can only imagine how they will rub off on him. For now, he can sit up on daddy's shoulders and watch them on the sidelines. He's the luckiest baby on earth with these brothers and sister. They will be there for every step he learns and every word he speaks and I am positive that if ever he needs someone other than his mom or dad... he can call any one of these other three... and they will have exactly what he needs to do or hear. He will forever be the baby. They will forever help him with life and for that I know I will be so grateful.

Sunday Rain

I absolutely love waking up on a Sunday morning at around 8 o'Clock. With just enough sleep to feel rested and the house quiet enough to be only me. These days have been so incredibly busy that not only are those moments rare but they are not savored as they should be. Life is good, life is busy but there is one thing that can slow all of life's best intentions to a halt.

 It calms, it restores, it cleanses, it makes us use our minds and contemplate. It even slows drivers on a busy highway and forces a new level of careful on them. You can gain a lot of information from observing a person in the rain. On an every day level of normalcy we tend to shelter from the rain. It becomes a nuisance because it comes between our goals and where we are. However, when an individual is experiencing a certain level of emotion the rain acts as a tool. A tool of contemplation for a particularly trying time. A key to self discovery when you feel soulfully lost. A lover's drug as it washes the world away around two lives. Embracing as the drops of wet sky fall completely around their two faces. Their love at that moment is unbreakable, unwavering and pure. Passion in a million tiny hits of love. Rain, it's a force.

To me, the kiss of the sun is nothing compared to the sound of the rain hitting the roof of a house. I do love sunshine, I do. But, it can't compare... the texture is so much more dynamic. The senses are engaged. Rain is seen falling down and bouncing off an old building. Rain is felt as it plays on your skin walking down a gravel path. Rain is heard as it hits the leaves of a big oak tree over head. Rain is tasted as the children twirl in circles with their little faces to the sky. 

This morning the rain felt more cleansing than normal to my thoughts. My mind has been so full of the disturbing happenings in the world yet for the moment this morning the rain allowed me to stop those thoughts and just listen. Listen to the sky tell me that life is beautiful and that has not changed. So, as I sit here in my rocking chair with a blanket, my coffee near the window and my family under our roof, I know why people save things for a rainy day...

Summer's End

New. Everything is about to be new again. New lessons learned. New emotions handled. New achievements conquered and a fresh start to life as a child knows it. This is a favorite time of year for the kids in my house. Possibilities are limitless. Tomorrow is about to be sought out, anticipated and experienced.

New clothes, new hair, new impressions. When you are growing, each year is an experience and a chance to share what is learned... about lives past and current. Each year is an opportunity to share the sparkly new bits and pieces of yourself.

As a grown up and as a parent, summer's end really has me in a mix of emotions. Another year older in the eye of society. Not just their biological age but the age in which they exist in the community. We, as parents give them a great start. We give them the basic tools of morals, boundaries and manners. School is a kind of "on the job training" where they put those skills to use. Fine tuning them for the future. They develop their circles of friendship, they learn the importance of honesty, they have crucial struggles with disappointment and are given chances to test their knowledge. 

This year I will have a child in every stage of the school experience. High school, Middle school, Elementary school and Daycare and this summer was an unusual one. Filled with visitors and lazy days. The oldest was the only one that went on a vacation and that was because of his competition. As a family we swam, we went to the library and we talked a lot. It may have been pretty uneventful but at the same time it was nice. Yet, they are ready for summer to end. They want to learn new things and challenge their brains. They want to get together with their friends and search for tomorrow and I am so excited to fill their backpacks with encouragement. 

Let's do this!

Memories on paper

As many schools have let out or are just about to be let out for summer vacation I have been thinking back at what it was like for me on that last day of school. I looked back on the year and knew those memories would be with me forever. The events of the school year that involved both my friends and my teachers. Here I am, now 34 and most of those years are now foggy. I don't remember those events in school that seemed so very important when I was young.  It was life as I knew it. Future me was a million years away and I lived in the moment. Here I sit at 34 and those days in school are a fog. I don't remember every detail I thought I would. I thought those events and reactions then were so monumental that for SURE they would never be lost on me. But, they were. Yah, I can remember vague instances of hanging out with my friends.. or conversations with particular inspirational teachers. I wish I kept my diaries. What I did keep were my yearbooks. I have them all at nearly every grade. I have the pictures and I have the words that were written. I read all the signatures and what seemed to be mini-stories that my friends put in my books. It brought a huge smile to my face... and memories of each person came back. I wonder how they are... if they remember me. If they do remember me, I wonder if they recall the same events I do or if their brains have fogged that out.  Our yearbooks were a big deal to us so when I looked at my oldest son's yearbook I thought how boring! Yes, they are all color and have a bunch of neat information in them but the personal detail of friend's signatures really lacked. There was no art to it, no silly sayings, no real personal detail... just kids' names... and of course since they don't teach cursive any more they were just printed names at that. No individuality! So, I decided to share little snippets out of mine. Names are covered to protect the innocent.

My daughter and I are really more alike than she realizes. This is exactly what her friends say about her. Apparently we were both goofy weird and crazy happy. We both look for the best in people and stand by our friends. Two peas in a pod.

I can remember when knowing someone for three whole years felt like we knew their soul. We felt like we knew them in and out for our entire lives and for sure meant we wouldn't ever lose touch. I don't even remember what this boy looks like (I didnt look back at his picture.) 3 years in 6th grade is in fact eternity.

Yah, does that say Molly?  lol. oh and EVERYTHING sounds perverted in 7th grade.

She gets it!! I was Holly to most people.. most people didn't get to really know me. I had just a handful of good friends who would have any real reason to know the real spelling of my name.

I don't remember my friends being this boy crazy and I most certainly don't remember "getting the guys" LOL This is funny!

I really didn't need to block out her name. But see what I mean about writing something to remember!

see, sweet memories!

That's like a sister ... and stay the way you are. Again, my friends were sweet!!

and then... there's some friends that are just silly. I couldn't believe I didn't remember this... and then, the boyfriend at the time saw it and wrote on it as if the other boy could see it. I mustached it out.. it wasn't nice. I didn't think... in 9th grade the word sexy was written in my yearbook. I thought we weren't as vulgar as kids these days... but goes to show ya what we think our generation was like vs what it was really like. And I moved that summer... so there was no flirtin' with the flag girl.

:) Holly-wog even my nicknames are mispelled!

Yes!!! the traditional yearbook sayings!  My kids had no idea there was such a tradition. All they do now is "I signed your crack" and they think it is original!

Wouldn't have survived! :)  See, I'm vital to society's existence!

I wouldn't let him copy my math. I was so mean. Or was I too nice and let him? I don't remember!!

... and finally... from the Honors English teacher who called me Sunshine. She got my name right. Teachers always did. I thought it was amazing that I could have impacted an adult as much as they influenced me. I wonder if I still have that "big brown eyed expression" when I talk. I certainly hope I am still delightful, warm and sensitive. 

Overall, I still feel we haven't changed much... even when I joke about starting new. At the core we are still the same. Reading these made me smile. I hope my children will remember to not take for granted a handwritten note to their friends... they won't be able to go back when they are in their 30's and look at their facebook walls or their friends walls or pictures or updates. Maybe they will but it will be so cluttered and vast. I urge them at the end of each year to write a personalized note in their friend's yearbooks.. it truly is a gift down the road. Thank you friends of the past!

June is the new black

Wow, this June 1st definitely feels like January 1st to me.  New beginnings on the horizon... fresh clean starts. Summertime brings with it the cleansing promise of long days.  Time to accomplish tasks and finish goals. This year has been a very challenging year so far and it makes complete sense for June, the mid-year mark to be the point to access and re-evaluate our challenges and confirm new tactics to tackle those. New Years resolutions seem quite trivial to me now.... I will wait until June to make my "Mid-Year Resolutions." At that point we are well aware of how our year is going and we still have plenty of time to turn that around if need be.

Tomorrow I return to work. My feelings about this are completely mixed. I am ready... I'm ready to rejoin the world of adults. I'm ready to put my knowledge to use and more importantly I'm ready to contribute again with the bacon... to get us back on track in a forward motion. However, I'm not ready to begin my family time for the day after 5 pm. Luckily it is summer... and we will have to adjust slowly before it's the school year again. I've never had a baby in daycare but I will just have to fill my days with images of the baby playing with other babies and making friends. I know he will be taken care of.... I know he won't be showered with the love of his mommy all day long but I do hope that he is showered with enough love to get him by. The day will be a challenge, for sure. On the positive side, I will be working closer to home and can come home for lunch and check on the summertime kids.

So, I've got my list of Mid-Year resolutions... I'm mentally prepped for tomorrow.. all of this will make it possible for us to enjoy our next anniversary in the same place it all happened... the beach!

Summertime.... and the living's easy...from the words of an old Sublime CD.  Summer 2014 has begun for many kids around the country. I watched the kids play in the creek yesterday and began remembering what summer was like for me. It was about no schedules, no pressure and most of all it was about siblings. Yes, friends came over often. Unrestricted sleepovers because there was no school the next day. Staying up all night until laughter knocked us out cold on the floor. But, really... it was time with my brother when we were young.

  We stayed home all day and ran around outside. We would walk to the convenient store and get slushies. We would lay down in the back of my dad's El Camino as he drove to the Braum's ice cream place. The heat would beat down and burn our bare feet on the concrete. They were wonderful days... of course until we started getting older and friends kept us away. Summers took on a whole new meaning once one of us had a driver's license. There were no more walking together somewhere because we no longer were both stuck as pedestrians. Yes, I would catch rides with him to crash his dates with his high school girlfriend... but summers were different.  At about the age differences that my older two are with the younger.. that's when it shifts. Free time is no longer about playing cards with your little sibling, it's about catching movies with friends and sitting out in the summer night air talking about the boys and girls and the events of the year before and the new hope for the coming days. My kids are at a pivotal point in their childhood. A point where they appreciate the roots of their family yet they are wanting so bad to spread their wings. In this process the youngster who is still wanting to "play" is begging for time while the others want to "hang out" with their friends or in their room with music. He feels held back and alone.

 So, those moments when all three are together and enjoying themselves is a mother's pure bliss. I watched at one point yesterday... sitting in the grassy sidelines with the baby. I witnessed a picture that sums this summer up for the kids. My oldest, heading into high school with hopes and dreams for his future already on the other side of life's creek. My middle... exactly that... in the middle wading to the other side... still a child at heart not yet with plans for her life yet she knows there is more out there. My younger of this set falling behind... closer to me at the edge of the water. Looking on to them and not wanting to be left out. My daughter falls back to help her little brother along. They meet up all together on the other side.

I know my children will grow up as children tend to do during the summer months. I am aware they will drift apart as they continue in that process. As long as they stop and help each other across to the other side of that creek each summer I know it will be a wonderful one full of memories. That's what summertime is for.

It's my day and it's her day!! Happy Mother's Day

This is a picture of my life's best accomplishments. These are my degrees, my high level executive careers, my late night glamorous parties and each year on this day ... they roll out the red carpet for me. They are, in themselves, my reason for living. When you really think about that statement that is so commonly said by most loving mothers... wow, how bold. Really think about this... before children, they had no reason to live? Oh they did.. they just didn't know exactly what life could be. Life as was currently known was absorbed in creating the most well balanced life for yourself. Hobbies that made you happy, friends you could trust, successes in work and school. Without children, your life would carry on and be satisfying. However, the moment your child is born your personal worlds shift and the direction takes a wild turn. I don't believe they are the reason for a person to exist but I definitely believe they can be the center to their existence. As mother's every single one of our choices have a hint of influence from our children. Every choice and decision, every goal and aspiration somehow turns into ones that are both our own and someone else's. Very interesting dynamic in life. These four beings above are the center of my life. Without them, I would definitely be a different person. 

Although my children shine in my heart as my life's focus they are not the reason for my existence.  That title my dears belongs to my own mother. Even though she lives off in the distance right now, she doesn't ever seem very far away. If I am half the mother raising my children as my mom was raising me then I will be a happy woman and I will have happy kids. I look back at my childhood and I was always smiling. My mother was always there beside me diving into my imagination, teaching me and I never doubted her trust. I hope my children will be able to do the same.. when they think of their childhood, they think of stressfree days with an array of opportunities in front of them. I hope they remember like I do, the simplicity of a mom's help. No matter how small. Her smile and love that had the capability to over power any fear or booboo that I was crying over. Yes, I hope I make that same impact on these 4 beautiful people.  Thank you mama on this Mother's Day for everything big and small!

Well, hellooooooo sunshine!

Oh, I see something familiar in the distance.  It's full of light and warmth. My good old friend Positivity is back!

Even though I still have pain in my back and my tooth, even though maternity leave has left us broke as a joke, and I'm still crying at the drop of a hat sifting through emotions.

The sunshine has come back around!

Spring has barely shown it's face and summer is banging on the door. 

I'm excited for the May activities. I am so thankful the cards are working in my favor to be able to be present for the first time in much of the school-year ending festivities. Then, it's back to work... back to our new sense of normalcy. 

Hello Sunshine!

(also, I'm going to be starting a new writing project. I really need to get my mind active.. so stay tuned!)

The many faces of adjustment

Getting in a routine and getting used to a new person in the house, a new baby at that where you are their mother. That's a hard role to live up to. It is both natural and challenging. Your instincts want to be the sole provider of comfort and love... Something is wrong, the new mother's heart wants to fix it. She longs for the cuddles, the happy smiles, the satisfaction of being able to soothe a restless cry with an embrace,her voice and a gentle dance around the room. I have been very very lucky with a very happy and content baby with just a couple instances a day that are left in wonder of how we can soothe the fuss. However, I've been hit with a few  challenges to my mommy self confidence. 

This back pain that only seems to subside when I'm flat on my back. How much can I get accomplished for myself or for my child flat on my back? A big fat nothing or a big fat blow to my self worth. I don't speak much about it because the pain is there and nothing makes it go away completely, so why bother... I can deal with it.  If life was still about me functioning for myself. I could carry on. Unfortunately what I can not carry for a great amount of time is my own newborn baby and that simply hurts my heart. Do I still carry him? And bounce him and do the "please calm down baby I love you" dance? Yes! I do... It hurts but it's my job... I'm mommy and there is nothing more important. I suppose I am writing this to let all those know around me... If I suddenly stop and pass him off without notice it's because my stupid body needs a short break. My break should probably be longer than my heart wants but just ten minutes to allow for some pressure and weight shifting. 

All this medicine has impacted my nursing experience too. They say it's safe but I know for a fact if I do so ..these medicines in doses I am not comfortable with are entering his body and for the length of time and in the increments I need I do not feel right in doing so. Wich of course.... Makes me feel guilty. So I don't. I have tried to pump to keep the flow and my pumping has had far less production to the point it would probably take a weeks worth to fill one bottle. Defeated, guilty. Yah, I feel pretty crummy.

So yes, when he wakes in the middle of the night... I do bring him to bed with me. I need those cuddles and I need that smile looking up at me as I lay down because that's when he tells me it's okay... It's okay that I can't hold him while standing without hurting.. my body will heal. It's okay that nursing has just been a night event because I am doing my best and he does love to eat no matter the source. 

 I am my own worst critic in everything in life.. Yet as a mom of a baby.. I expect perfection of myself and I know this is terrible. Due to the many emotions and hormones that are involved at this time perfection should simply be doing my best. I'm trying! 

The Baby Detective

Yah, so little A is my 4th. We've all established that it's been so long since I've had a baby that brand new moms probably have more solid confidence. The basics come right back to you... but the rest is a supreme act of trial and error. All four of these kids have been so different. The initial response is to try what worked for the others. Well, in some cases that may have been handy but in this case I should have used those as a guideline to jump to the opposite. I begin the babymatical equation with the idea that Brando liked something ... so that's a good start.  Trial and error.... recipe of deduction. Nope, that was a no-go!  Well, then Kaligirl liked the next one... Again, big wrong buzzer.  Try again... yep, likes what Evanger likes... the process intermingles and flips around. No two are exactly the same and he is a mixture of all of the above.  Figuring out his very own recipe.. what makes Ashboo his own unique individual has been a very interesting ride.  One thing I do know is that he is the first to accept alot of things that the others wouldn't.  Like where he sleeps, the guantlet of many different formula supplementation, and the array of bottles to try. He will actually sleep in the bassinet and Brandon was the only one who did that. He's the only to like Enfamil, whereas the others were Similac and Gerber (previously Nestle and Carnation.) He's the only one to like Dr Brown's bottles. Brandon used Avent and the other two used Playtex. Come to think of it... Ashboo has more similarities to what he likes to Brando than the other two. The other two used the same bottles and formula (all had boob juice as well) but Brando who is his fellow Pisces February buddy has more in common. Quite interesting...

Đầy tháng

Beautiful boy is 1 month old.  Couple gifts and a cake, friends and family brought in celebrating such a wonderful new life. This boy is going to touch many hearts. He steals them already. These past four weeks have been a blur. The days have gone so quickly that I feel as if entire portions were just skipped over. We just brought him home yesterday right before the snow storm hit. Right? Time associated with children is the strangest mystery. What about them makes days, months and years seem like seconds on the clock? About as close to time travel as we can get. 

Spring has sprung... A leak!

This is not my first rodeo yet I forgot the amount of emotional challenges that a new mom goes through. I expected the crazy weepy mood shifts the first few days but I escaped it, or so I thought. Nope, I was just on an extended adrenaline, dopamine, oxytocin love hormone high... Or something else scientificy. After almost 3 weeks the mood shift hit like a hammer. I'm not sad exactly... I'm not depressed... I'm not doom and gloom... I don't want to hide under a rock... I want to get up and be productive and cuddle my baby at each chance. Yet, every where I turn.... My eyeballs are leaking. Seriously, at every turn... my face plumbing has gone haywire. My poor husband probably thinks I have been abducted by aliens in my lack of sleep. It very well could happen in that very short span we aresimultaneously  have our eyes closed. Why am I crying? I don't know is my answer! I feel fine. Yet not really. But mostly fine! It will pass... Very soon. 

     Not my first rodeo like I said but I definitely feel like a beginner. 4th baby ... New challenges. In the picture above Little Squish is wearing the same outfit his 14 year old brother wore when he came home from the hospital. I didn't have fits of tears at that time. I also didn't have the established family I have and all of the numerous adult worries and stresses. I was 20 and carefree. 

   Yes, having a baby is so much easier when the siblings are a teenager, pre-teen, and almost 4th grader. The help and the love is unsurpassable. I don't have two sets of diapers to do.. Don't have a newborn and toddler and kindergartener who all depend on me at every turn. No, I only have one child to play the guessing game as to why they are screaming at 2 a.m.  Makes a world of difference and in that aspect it's a 100 times easier.  With that said... I do have an already established family with their own issues to tend to at the same time and those challenges are not physical challenges like that of when they were younger.  These hurdles to jump are atresses on your mind and heart.. Figuring out why the younger child feels on the defense and like his brother and sister don't care about him.. Coming up with ways to tackle why he feels left out.  Dealing with life lessons with the teenager about setting such high standards for himself and shifting through the disappointment when he doesn't achieve that.... Sorting through letting yourself down is a struggle when you are 14. My heart broke for him. Determination is great but backing it up is a hard lesson. He is very successful to us yet, like me, so hard on himself. Yah, family is a mixture of trials and successes.  

  Add to that the very real stress of dealing with selling a house while the other party isn't present, being on leave without income, and doctor appt after doctor appt for what seems like every one in this house.  These hormones and chemical imbalances that having a baby entails, really... It's no wonder my eyeballs are leaking. But my heart still grew an extra 6.14 pound and 20.5 inches a few weeks ago and together, everyone in this family will pull through. 

Thank god for my husband being home with me these first weeks. He has been an amazing reminder as to what a second person in a marriage can do... Which is everything ... When it's too much. Soccer practices, field trips, dental appts, cooking dinner, being my therapist and my cheerleader... Reminding me that I'm loved and doing great. 

Thanks to my children for pouring the love onto each of us... These two parents need it. We are strong.. 

So to all my new mom friends who are going though the same thing.. it's just a little water. Just a little leak this spring. Soon the flowers will be blooming with laughter and a solid night sleep. 

    Cherish these sweet moments no matter how damp. 

A journey complete. Welcome sweet baby boy.

It's a journey I'm not a stranger to but it was the final adventure of it's kind for me. Creating a child, carrying and nurturing that baby until they have entered this world is not a simple task. Each time the experience is different and this time was exceptionally challenging.  Could be age, I'm no spring chicken... or the fact that he is the 4th as my doctor suggested, or just simply the luck of the draw. Either way, the journey is complete and I'm left feeling on top of the world, in love and insanely proud to be Mommy.

On February 28, 2014 at 6:31 pm this journey came to an end. It wasn't without worry or scare. Little boy was just like his sister in hating contractions and his heart rate got dangerously low. They were 2 minutes away from emergency c-section but as soon as they let my body handle it how it wanted to there was no stopping the little man from coming right then, just like his new big brother.

Pregnancy is a very short moment in time but it opens up a new life of love. Weighing in at 6 pounds 14 ounces and 20 1/2 inches long this sweet little baby has given me a new name. I'm no longer Brandon, Kalista and Evan's mom... along with the normal names I am called. I am now Ashton's Mom and proud of it!!

What A Valentine means to me

It's having a sweetheart.  It's the hope of never being alone. It's evidence that someone in your life touches your heart and cultivates your spirit.

It's the simplest gesture of written words from your children and husband that remind you that you are loved, you are special and every detail that you don't give a second thought to is appreciated. 

In these notes I was reminded that the relationships I have with each member of my family is sweet and unique and they reaffirmed that I am doing a pretty good job even if there were times I felt like I a lost little puppy. 

I thank my Valentines for my flowers, my rose petals and note covered hallway. The image of slowly walking down and reading each one and becoming filled with tears will not leave me. Thank you to my hubby who knows me so well and to my children who enjoy tugging my heartstrings. 

I hope everyone had a great love day! 

Winter's Crystal

Yesterday while at work I looked out the window and saw one of nature's masterpieces. We all know it's been a very cold winter... and yes, on the Kentucky side there has been alot more ice but for the most part just ice and cold. That doesn't suffice for my Winter Rule of "If it's going to be THIS (insert bone chilling degree here) cold then there better be snow on the ground to enjoy." We woke up this morning to some snow! Finally a little accumulated and fortunately on a Saturday so the kids can enjoy it without worry school will be cancelled. Yes, yes... my kids are the ones that don't want to prolong summer vacation.  So, back to yesterday...  I was content with no snow yesterday because the glistening sight that I saw almost had a sound to it. As if it was nature's winter wind chimes sparkling in the bitter breeze. The trees were covered in crystal. The sun was up and out and shining bright... The trees that lined the road looked more like they were made from Swarovski than the same ones that are seen every day. It was simply beautiful and reminded me that through the inconvenience and discomforts of life there is most always something beautiful that is able to shine through.

Today marks 35 weeks.. one more week and little mister is "safe" to come. Although the longer he is in, the better. I don't want to rush him at all but I can't wait to be able to walk without pain again! All the celebrating is over and the preparing is almost done. He is welcome when he is ready. But our deal is he has to be completely ready!

I'm off to enjoy our white weekend!

Where are my feet?

I'm so very happy.  I'm so very excited. I'm also certainly very much in a constant struggle to not whine. I feel like it's all I do and that is most certainly not typical of me. I'm peppy, positive and always looking at the silver lining in every detail of life! Yes, I know the silver lining, the pay off.. a beautiful baby boy who will capture all of our hearts. I can not wait.  This is all worth it, without an ounce of a doubt.  I'm trying to be strong and I think I'm doing pretty well for the most part. I try to counter each pain with a preparation. My back hurts from the moment I wake to nearly toppling me over by the end of the day... it's the pressure of him being so low.  I counteract that with washing the baby clothes and blankets we have.  Getting them fresh and ready for his sensitive skin. Emotionally, it worked. A focus... a physical connection to that silver lining. I've never felt so wrung out. I can't stand for too long because of my pelvis and back and I can't sit for too long because of my not all the way healed tailbone. I may have never felt like my body hated me so much but I most certainly have never felt such love, support and anticipation surrounding us by those who care.

We really are loved and I couldn't be more thankful.

I'm apart of this wonderful baby group on Facebook... there's roughly 30 of us all due in March. We talk daily and share our lives. They truly are a treasure.  One of the girls posted this little article on the mystery of what a new mom is like for a new dad.  Now, I may not be "new" in the least.. in fact, I'm very seasoned.  Yet, this time around I feel about as new as I can get. A few of things won't hold true for us because as being a seasoned mom I have learned to trust myself and let go of expectations ... to go with the flow and know that every baby is different and the fears that come with expectations and the unknown are just that with nothing that can be done for them. So, why stress. For the most part this is all true... and I thought very useful. Nobody tells a new dad how to handle a new mom but they have tons of advice on how to handle a baby!

Wise words for new dads

And finally, I have lost my feet.

Can you see them?

 I hope you all have a wonderful week!!! And thank you for putting up with my gripes and moans... it will get better, I swear!

Happy New Year everyone!! 2013 was a heck of a year. Wedding, family and the promise of a new child. I'm not sure how much more full of excitement we could have gotten but 2014 is about to show us. I'm not doing a resolution.  This year, I resolve to just keep going....  the beginning of our new life in 2013 was just a door. A door that opened the mixture of family, the combination of traditions, the mutual hope for the future. There will be big changes but as we walk through the hall of our life we will do it the same as we walked over that threshold in 2013, together.

The most exciting aspect of 2014 in the horizon to me will be the creation of a new life.  Not just this baby but the life of a new father. I simply can not wait until my husband looks into the eyes of his son. The love never known to exist experienced for the first time.

I'm not going to set forth expectations for this year.  I will go with the flow. I will continue my current hopes and dreams and I will watch as my children get another year older. 14, 12, 9 and New. Such milestones. Such experiences I can't wait to share. 2014 is for family, solidarity and love. 2014 is amazing already!