Well, hellooooooo sunshine!

Oh, I see something familiar in the distance.  It's full of light and warmth. My good old friend Positivity is back!

Even though I still have pain in my back and my tooth, even though maternity leave has left us broke as a joke, and I'm still crying at the drop of a hat sifting through emotions.

The sunshine has come back around!

Spring has barely shown it's face and summer is banging on the door. 

I'm excited for the May activities. I am so thankful the cards are working in my favor to be able to be present for the first time in much of the school-year ending festivities. Then, it's back to work... back to our new sense of normalcy. 

Hello Sunshine!

(also, I'm going to be starting a new writing project. I really need to get my mind active.. so stay tuned!)

The many faces of adjustment

Getting in a routine and getting used to a new person in the house, a new baby at that where you are their mother. That's a hard role to live up to. It is both natural and challenging. Your instincts want to be the sole provider of comfort and love... Something is wrong, the new mother's heart wants to fix it. She longs for the cuddles, the happy smiles, the satisfaction of being able to soothe a restless cry with an embrace,her voice and a gentle dance around the room. I have been very very lucky with a very happy and content baby with just a couple instances a day that are left in wonder of how we can soothe the fuss. However, I've been hit with a few  challenges to my mommy self confidence. 

This back pain that only seems to subside when I'm flat on my back. How much can I get accomplished for myself or for my child flat on my back? A big fat nothing or a big fat blow to my self worth. I don't speak much about it because the pain is there and nothing makes it go away completely, so why bother... I can deal with it.  If life was still about me functioning for myself. I could carry on. Unfortunately what I can not carry for a great amount of time is my own newborn baby and that simply hurts my heart. Do I still carry him? And bounce him and do the "please calm down baby I love you" dance? Yes! I do... It hurts but it's my job... I'm mommy and there is nothing more important. I suppose I am writing this to let all those know around me... If I suddenly stop and pass him off without notice it's because my stupid body needs a short break. My break should probably be longer than my heart wants but just ten minutes to allow for some pressure and weight shifting. 

All this medicine has impacted my nursing experience too. They say it's safe but I know for a fact if I do so ..these medicines in doses I am not comfortable with are entering his body and for the length of time and in the increments I need I do not feel right in doing so. Wich of course.... Makes me feel guilty. So I don't. I have tried to pump to keep the flow and my pumping has had far less production to the point it would probably take a weeks worth to fill one bottle. Defeated, guilty. Yah, I feel pretty crummy.

So yes, when he wakes in the middle of the night... I do bring him to bed with me. I need those cuddles and I need that smile looking up at me as I lay down because that's when he tells me it's okay... It's okay that I can't hold him while standing without hurting.. my body will heal. It's okay that nursing has just been a night event because I am doing my best and he does love to eat no matter the source. 

 I am my own worst critic in everything in life.. Yet as a mom of a baby.. I expect perfection of myself and I know this is terrible. Due to the many emotions and hormones that are involved at this time perfection should simply be doing my best. I'm trying! 

The Baby Detective

Yah, so little A is my 4th. We've all established that it's been so long since I've had a baby that brand new moms probably have more solid confidence. The basics come right back to you... but the rest is a supreme act of trial and error. All four of these kids have been so different. The initial response is to try what worked for the others. Well, in some cases that may have been handy but in this case I should have used those as a guideline to jump to the opposite. I begin the babymatical equation with the idea that Brando liked something ... so that's a good start.  Trial and error.... recipe of deduction. Nope, that was a no-go!  Well, then Kaligirl liked the next one... Again, big wrong buzzer.  Try again... yep, likes what Evanger likes... the process intermingles and flips around. No two are exactly the same and he is a mixture of all of the above.  Figuring out his very own recipe.. what makes Ashboo his own unique individual has been a very interesting ride.  One thing I do know is that he is the first to accept alot of things that the others wouldn't.  Like where he sleeps, the guantlet of many different formula supplementation, and the array of bottles to try. He will actually sleep in the bassinet and Brandon was the only one who did that. He's the only to like Enfamil, whereas the others were Similac and Gerber (previously Nestle and Carnation.) He's the only one to like Dr Brown's bottles. Brandon used Avent and the other two used Playtex. Come to think of it... Ashboo has more similarities to what he likes to Brando than the other two. The other two used the same bottles and formula (all had boob juice as well) but Brando who is his fellow Pisces February buddy has more in common. Quite interesting...