The many faces of adjustment

Getting in a routine and getting used to a new person in the house, a new baby at that where you are their mother. That's a hard role to live up to. It is both natural and challenging. Your instincts want to be the sole provider of comfort and love... Something is wrong, the new mother's heart wants to fix it. She longs for the cuddles, the happy smiles, the satisfaction of being able to soothe a restless cry with an embrace,her voice and a gentle dance around the room. I have been very very lucky with a very happy and content baby with just a couple instances a day that are left in wonder of how we can soothe the fuss. However, I've been hit with a few  challenges to my mommy self confidence. 

This back pain that only seems to subside when I'm flat on my back. How much can I get accomplished for myself or for my child flat on my back? A big fat nothing or a big fat blow to my self worth. I don't speak much about it because the pain is there and nothing makes it go away completely, so why bother... I can deal with it.  If life was still about me functioning for myself. I could carry on. Unfortunately what I can not carry for a great amount of time is my own newborn baby and that simply hurts my heart. Do I still carry him? And bounce him and do the "please calm down baby I love you" dance? Yes! I do... It hurts but it's my job... I'm mommy and there is nothing more important. I suppose I am writing this to let all those know around me... If I suddenly stop and pass him off without notice it's because my stupid body needs a short break. My break should probably be longer than my heart wants but just ten minutes to allow for some pressure and weight shifting. 

All this medicine has impacted my nursing experience too. They say it's safe but I know for a fact if I do so ..these medicines in doses I am not comfortable with are entering his body and for the length of time and in the increments I need I do not feel right in doing so. Wich of course.... Makes me feel guilty. So I don't. I have tried to pump to keep the flow and my pumping has had far less production to the point it would probably take a weeks worth to fill one bottle. Defeated, guilty. Yah, I feel pretty crummy.

So yes, when he wakes in the middle of the night... I do bring him to bed with me. I need those cuddles and I need that smile looking up at me as I lay down because that's when he tells me it's okay... It's okay that I can't hold him while standing without hurting.. my body will heal. It's okay that nursing has just been a night event because I am doing my best and he does love to eat no matter the source. 

 I am my own worst critic in everything in life.. Yet as a mom of a baby.. I expect perfection of myself and I know this is terrible. Due to the many emotions and hormones that are involved at this time perfection should simply be doing my best. I'm trying!