Mothering.
My family is growing up. I once thought these days seemed so far away. There was once a time that wherever I went in public, there was always the comment from some unknowing stranger and it never failed, " Wow you have your hands full!" Yep, I did! "Are all of those yours? You look too young!" Yes, I was young but I never thought of life in any different way. It was natural. Now, I can go to the store on my own without my three little shadows. I may have another little duckie but the first three watch over him like hawks. Freedom! Yay! But, it's so bittersweet. It's a feeling that I was never officially prepared for. What is this combination of pride, happiness, worry and sadness? That emotion that welled up in me when I first looked at my newborn babies and stared in awe of how beautiful they were. The same emotion that drew up my tears while I watched them sing in school holiday programs, as they walked across stages to claim awards. Pride tugging at my heart. That is the same emotion I feel as my oldest is preparing to move away and start his life journey. But it is mixed with something else... the feeling of an end. It's so hard to explain. Our family is changing shape. Our home will always be their "home" but they will have another, one of their own. My daughter will now be the oldest in the house and the shift of sibling responsibility among them is beginning.
This past week we took our last family vacation as we know it. I spent a lot of the time thinking about this fact. It's no longer guaranteed that all members will be able to attend and be free at the same time. Their own lives equal their own plans. I can only hope. That's what my role is now for the oldest, hope. No longer do I need to be the rule enforcer and the one responsible for developing productive character. My role has changed for him. I am now simply support. I've given all the tools needed for him to spread his wings (with the help of my village) and I can sit back and watch the rest of his life, the majority of his life unfold standing by for reassuring love and advice. I'm becoming okay with this. For him, I have no fear about him and his abilities but my fear is of the world. He's going to experience some big challenges and I pray that these challenges will not change the amazing man he is. Same goes for all my children. However, I still have some time with them before I feel this all over again.
Being a mother is something that can not accurately be described in words. There is nothing on this Earth that is more confusing, challenging, rewarding, breathtaking and awe-inspiring. Everyone always says "enjoy them when they are little, time goes too fast." This is an understatement. It's almost as if at the end of the journey, time just jumped.
