And....just like that.. it's all about...

U.

University. Utah. Unique. I see why my son chose it to further himself with education and life. It's beautiful. It's Uncanny. It's open and serene. It will be a great place for the exploration of all things BMF. I'm so very thankful that I had this trip with him. The two of us against the world one more time. 

Started early morning... said goodbye to home. He knows where he is ALWAYS welcome.

3 days of traveling. We made it with plenty of time to spare.. wait, no, we went straight to moving him in!

MOUNTAINS!! I remember when this was a daily landscape for me.

Somewhere, Wyoming

Dorms, basketball, football, SLC and mountains!

 When there is In N Out, we must have it.

 First roommates

Beautiful backdrop

And then I flew home.... alone. One kid less. I miss him. But my boy knows me and he certainly knows how to fill the void of part of my heart being across country. He is U-mazing!

Mothering life is a beach!

 

Mothering.

My family is growing up. I once thought these days seemed so far away. There was once a time that wherever I went in public, there was always the comment from some unknowing stranger and it never failed, " Wow you have your hands full!" Yep, I did! "Are all of those yours? You look too  young!" Yes, I was young but I never thought of life in any different way. It was natural. Now, I can go to the store on my own without my three little shadows. I may have another little duckie but the first three watch over him like hawks. Freedom! Yay! But, it's so bittersweet. It's a feeling that I was never officially prepared for. What is this combination of pride, happiness, worry and sadness? That emotion that welled up in me when I first looked at my newborn babies and stared in awe of how beautiful they were. The same emotion that drew up my tears while I watched them sing in school holiday programs, as they walked across stages to claim awards. Pride tugging at my heart. That is the same emotion I feel as my oldest is preparing to move away and start his life journey. But it is mixed with something else... the feeling of an end. It's so hard to explain. Our family is changing shape. Our home will always be their "home" but they will have another, one of their own. My daughter will now be the oldest in the house and the shift of sibling responsibility among them is beginning.

This past week we took our last family vacation as we know it. I spent a lot of the time thinking about this fact.  It's no longer guaranteed that all members will be able to attend and be free at the same time.  Their own lives equal their own plans. I can only hope. That's what my role is now for the oldest, hope. No longer do I need to be the rule enforcer and the one responsible for developing productive character. My role has changed for him. I am now simply support. I've given all the tools needed for him to spread his wings (with the help of my village) and I can sit back and watch the rest of his life, the majority of his life unfold standing by for reassuring love and advice. I'm becoming okay with this. For him, I have no fear about him and his abilities but my fear is of the world. He's going to experience some big challenges and I pray that these challenges will not change the amazing man he is. Same goes for all my children. However, I still have some time with them before I feel this all over again.

Being a mother is something that can not accurately be described in words. There is nothing on this Earth that is more confusing, challenging, rewarding, breathtaking and awe-inspiring. Everyone always says "enjoy them when they are little, time goes too fast." This is an understatement. It's almost as if at the end of the journey, time just jumped.

The reason for Pride

It's been a year since I picked this laptop up and attempted to write anything recreationally. I know this because the most recent draft had this pride flag on it and I was talking about the reason of the festivals that we have going on in the month of June. My life has been quite the whirlwind since I attempted to write that post. My college classwork is intense, I have 3 teenagers and a pre-schooler with special needs and I have a someone judging me at every turn. Oh and I work full time so... I guess I can give myself a break. Although, I would probably feel better if I wrote more because it is therapeutic.

Sitting here just today, seeing the pictures and video chatting my kids from Paris. Yes, Paris, they are so lucky. Some people dream their whole life for the experience they are having, One of those people is me. I am thoroughly enjoying witnessin g them on this experience. It is amazing. I was sitting here thinking about how much I just love history and have a passion for old homes and buildings and I was thinking about writing creatively. I think I am going to start a section on experiencing old architecture for myself, the feelings and the history that come with them. Relaying my perception of what the walls would say if they indeed could talk. Not sure what I would call it but it will get me out and enjoying my passion. Seeking these old treasures and learning about them. I'm not sure if anyone would want to read about that but it sure would make me feel great!

So for this year, Gay Pride month... I don't have anything as elaborate as what I was going to say last year. I will say that I love my son... I am so proud of him for being true to who he is. He has more internal strength than most people who are 20 years older than him. He has always been an old soul, maybe that is why. He has made it possible for the LGBTQ community at his High School to have a safe place to connect with others just the same. He has openly been "out" in every situation and will not hide it. Why would he? It's who he is. He has an amazing boyfriend and I couldn't be happier. I am proud of all of my children but this month, with Gay Pride.... I am super proud of him. He has shown those around him, since he is not the "typical" and stereotypical gay man that who you love does not make you different or wrong. It makes you human.

Signing off for today and will actually press the Publish button. Enjoy the weekend!

What a year...

What a year! What a year.....

I have always been so fortunate as a mother and a human being in life. For the most part and minus a few medical issues my life has been smooth sailing! I've always been an open book and invited others to peep into my thoughts. I have had much to share throughout the years. I just opened my computer to this old blog and saw that it's been well over a year since I wrote anything creative. Maybe that's best... maybe this world is too full of people's inflated thoughts, maybe too many people refuse to get off their soap boxes of terror and miss the point of the world. Yes, I feel there is a point.

This past year was by far the most trying time in my life and as I look back on it all now, I should be damn thankful that's all it was because I'm not fooling myself it could have all been terribly worse. For a rather spoiled, wealth-filled American though, my life seemed to be spiraling into something unrecognizable. All of it though, has led to greatness. At times there needs to be a break down in order to build up. The diamond that has been created through this tightening coal is our closeness. We have a bigger and better understanding of how we all think, work and show our love and frustration.

In short, because we are moving on.... we have dealt with teenagers and the growing issues that comes with the raise in age status. Young people trying to find out who they are and where they fit in this puzzle. As children, this is easy... I am me and I live with mom, dad and I like cookies and my dog. It's all mapped out. When you have children whom you always knew were very old souls this transition is not for the weak. We have dealt with an array of stressful issues that have been magnified and entwined with someone who was once very close to the family. As a result, we had invasions of privacy, assumptions that filtered into our livelihood, false accusations that made us even question ourselves and trust smeared on the edge of what should have been our safety net, our sanctuary, our home.

I am happy to report though that something amazing and beautiful has come of this. We are stronger, not a single soul will be able to come between us and this newer year has started our perfectly! There is harmony and happiness.

Memorial Day

Oh Memorial Day weekend. The kick off to summer. BBQ's, beer, pools, sun. For most of general America, this is what it is. I don't fault them for that. It means they haven't personally lost in that way and that is okay. They are among the fortunate. I can remember growing up with a blinder to the fact that real people, real people among us have given their life for our country. It was a different time, a more peaceful time for us. I also didn't live next to a rapidly deploying military institution. Many of the kids my children go to school with have personally lost.

How did this holiday become a celebration? Is Happy Memorial Day such a bad term? I can only reflect on the only one I was close to that perished in such a way. He would want the loss we experienced to be a celebration of his life. If we are so solemn for what we were given as a result.. we are who we are as a country, because of those who have given their life. Respect the reason, but don't be afraid to make it a day to celebrate with those you are close to. Enjoy the day that we have... because of those who sacrificed. Celebrate. Honor. Remember.

My children don't remember their Uncle's physical presence. I have pictures that remind. They know he was full of love and acceptance and a very unique persona. He raged at the Nashville goth clubs at night and was a dutiful soldier during the day. He was so happy to be an Uncle he cried.  We were cheated to see what a wondeful man he could become. Newly married and embracing family life of his own... he was never far. His life was taken too quickly by the tides of war but he stands among the honorable forever.

Happy Memorial Day to everyone. May you remember and be thankful.

This world we live in

Mostly, I have been moved by the amount of support being shown for the Paris attacks yesterday. This is one world, We are in this together. I don't see how someone in my generation couldn't have felt the pain in the gut when hearing of a terrorist attack. France may be a long ways away but for all of us Americans this is too close to home. Through all the words of Peace and Sympathy that I continue to see today on the world's bulletin board of social media I saw something that bothered me. An individual stated they were so sad for France and someone replied, "Why, because it happened or that it happened to France?" They continued to go on about the many other tragedies that occurred this week in other parts of the world. Although I do not deny there is terror every, acts like these just hit. These are our friends and they are targets for the exact same reasons we are.

I have always wanted to go to Paris. I took three years of French in High School and can still amaze people with my beautiful song about food. My heart hurts for them, not because it's Europe or France, but because that could have been us. It still can be us and honestly, I am scared.

This morning, as I put on my strong mom smile and kiss my family as I head off to work... this picture will remain in my head. This is Paris, France the day after 9/11. Undoubtedly supporting us... it's not our fight alone. This is our generation's fight and again, I'm scared.

Take a good look...

Let's stop to take a good look at ourselves.

We are more than our shapes and sizes. We are more than our beauty or brains. We weave through our daily lives barely touching on our real worth. What sparks you? What do you fear? What warms your heart? What connections are barely hanging on by the thread that has made them? When you turn off the lights of illusion and you look into that mirror... what do you really see?

I have always been so moved by the coming season. The chill in the day seems to chip away at that outer layer that summer artificially cloaked over us. Our supernatural faces over the fire in the night air allowing us to once again sense our own personal vulnerabilities. As we continue on with our pumpkin flavor-filled days, let's think about ourselves. Let's think about how we can dig deep in our inner shadows and allow them to walk along our side as the leaves fall. Counting each leaf of blessings that we encounter.

We can do better. We can love stronger. And we can certainly feel deeper.