Memories on paper

As many schools have let out or are just about to be let out for summer vacation I have been thinking back at what it was like for me on that last day of school. I looked back on the year and knew those memories would be with me forever. The events of the school year that involved both my friends and my teachers. Here I am, now 34 and most of those years are now foggy. I don't remember those events in school that seemed so very important when I was young.  It was life as I knew it. Future me was a million years away and I lived in the moment. Here I sit at 34 and those days in school are a fog. I don't remember every detail I thought I would. I thought those events and reactions then were so monumental that for SURE they would never be lost on me. But, they were. Yah, I can remember vague instances of hanging out with my friends.. or conversations with particular inspirational teachers. I wish I kept my diaries. What I did keep were my yearbooks. I have them all at nearly every grade. I have the pictures and I have the words that were written. I read all the signatures and what seemed to be mini-stories that my friends put in my books. It brought a huge smile to my face... and memories of each person came back. I wonder how they are... if they remember me. If they do remember me, I wonder if they recall the same events I do or if their brains have fogged that out.  Our yearbooks were a big deal to us so when I looked at my oldest son's yearbook I thought how boring! Yes, they are all color and have a bunch of neat information in them but the personal detail of friend's signatures really lacked. There was no art to it, no silly sayings, no real personal detail... just kids' names... and of course since they don't teach cursive any more they were just printed names at that. No individuality! So, I decided to share little snippets out of mine. Names are covered to protect the innocent.

My daughter and I are really more alike than she realizes. This is exactly what her friends say about her. Apparently we were both goofy weird and crazy happy. We both look for the best in people and stand by our friends. Two peas in a pod.

I can remember when knowing someone for three whole years felt like we knew their soul. We felt like we knew them in and out for our entire lives and for sure meant we wouldn't ever lose touch. I don't even remember what this boy looks like (I didnt look back at his picture.) 3 years in 6th grade is in fact eternity.

Yah, does that say Molly?  lol. oh and EVERYTHING sounds perverted in 7th grade.

She gets it!! I was Holly to most people.. most people didn't get to really know me. I had just a handful of good friends who would have any real reason to know the real spelling of my name.

I don't remember my friends being this boy crazy and I most certainly don't remember "getting the guys" LOL This is funny!

I really didn't need to block out her name. But see what I mean about writing something to remember!

see, sweet memories!

That's like a sister ... and stay the way you are. Again, my friends were sweet!!

and then... there's some friends that are just silly. I couldn't believe I didn't remember this... and then, the boyfriend at the time saw it and wrote on it as if the other boy could see it. I mustached it out.. it wasn't nice. I didn't think... in 9th grade the word sexy was written in my yearbook. I thought we weren't as vulgar as kids these days... but goes to show ya what we think our generation was like vs what it was really like. And I moved that summer... so there was no flirtin' with the flag girl.

:) Holly-wog even my nicknames are mispelled!

Yes!!! the traditional yearbook sayings!  My kids had no idea there was such a tradition. All they do now is "I signed your crack" and they think it is original!

Wouldn't have survived! :)  See, I'm vital to society's existence!

I wouldn't let him copy my math. I was so mean. Or was I too nice and let him? I don't remember!!

... and finally... from the Honors English teacher who called me Sunshine. She got my name right. Teachers always did. I thought it was amazing that I could have impacted an adult as much as they influenced me. I wonder if I still have that "big brown eyed expression" when I talk. I certainly hope I am still delightful, warm and sensitive. 

Overall, I still feel we haven't changed much... even when I joke about starting new. At the core we are still the same. Reading these made me smile. I hope my children will remember to not take for granted a handwritten note to their friends... they won't be able to go back when they are in their 30's and look at their facebook walls or their friends walls or pictures or updates. Maybe they will but it will be so cluttered and vast. I urge them at the end of each year to write a personalized note in their friend's yearbooks.. it truly is a gift down the road. Thank you friends of the past!

June is the new black

Wow, this June 1st definitely feels like January 1st to me.  New beginnings on the horizon... fresh clean starts. Summertime brings with it the cleansing promise of long days.  Time to accomplish tasks and finish goals. This year has been a very challenging year so far and it makes complete sense for June, the mid-year mark to be the point to access and re-evaluate our challenges and confirm new tactics to tackle those. New Years resolutions seem quite trivial to me now.... I will wait until June to make my "Mid-Year Resolutions." At that point we are well aware of how our year is going and we still have plenty of time to turn that around if need be.

Tomorrow I return to work. My feelings about this are completely mixed. I am ready... I'm ready to rejoin the world of adults. I'm ready to put my knowledge to use and more importantly I'm ready to contribute again with the bacon... to get us back on track in a forward motion. However, I'm not ready to begin my family time for the day after 5 pm. Luckily it is summer... and we will have to adjust slowly before it's the school year again. I've never had a baby in daycare but I will just have to fill my days with images of the baby playing with other babies and making friends. I know he will be taken care of.... I know he won't be showered with the love of his mommy all day long but I do hope that he is showered with enough love to get him by. The day will be a challenge, for sure. On the positive side, I will be working closer to home and can come home for lunch and check on the summertime kids.

So, I've got my list of Mid-Year resolutions... I'm mentally prepped for tomorrow.. all of this will make it possible for us to enjoy our next anniversary in the same place it all happened... the beach!

Summertime.... and the living's easy...from the words of an old Sublime CD.  Summer 2014 has begun for many kids around the country. I watched the kids play in the creek yesterday and began remembering what summer was like for me. It was about no schedules, no pressure and most of all it was about siblings. Yes, friends came over often. Unrestricted sleepovers because there was no school the next day. Staying up all night until laughter knocked us out cold on the floor. But, really... it was time with my brother when we were young.

  We stayed home all day and ran around outside. We would walk to the convenient store and get slushies. We would lay down in the back of my dad's El Camino as he drove to the Braum's ice cream place. The heat would beat down and burn our bare feet on the concrete. They were wonderful days... of course until we started getting older and friends kept us away. Summers took on a whole new meaning once one of us had a driver's license. There were no more walking together somewhere because we no longer were both stuck as pedestrians. Yes, I would catch rides with him to crash his dates with his high school girlfriend... but summers were different.  At about the age differences that my older two are with the younger.. that's when it shifts. Free time is no longer about playing cards with your little sibling, it's about catching movies with friends and sitting out in the summer night air talking about the boys and girls and the events of the year before and the new hope for the coming days. My kids are at a pivotal point in their childhood. A point where they appreciate the roots of their family yet they are wanting so bad to spread their wings. In this process the youngster who is still wanting to "play" is begging for time while the others want to "hang out" with their friends or in their room with music. He feels held back and alone.

 So, those moments when all three are together and enjoying themselves is a mother's pure bliss. I watched at one point yesterday... sitting in the grassy sidelines with the baby. I witnessed a picture that sums this summer up for the kids. My oldest, heading into high school with hopes and dreams for his future already on the other side of life's creek. My middle... exactly that... in the middle wading to the other side... still a child at heart not yet with plans for her life yet she knows there is more out there. My younger of this set falling behind... closer to me at the edge of the water. Looking on to them and not wanting to be left out. My daughter falls back to help her little brother along. They meet up all together on the other side.

I know my children will grow up as children tend to do during the summer months. I am aware they will drift apart as they continue in that process. As long as they stop and help each other across to the other side of that creek each summer I know it will be a wonderful one full of memories. That's what summertime is for.

It's my day and it's her day!! Happy Mother's Day

This is a picture of my life's best accomplishments. These are my degrees, my high level executive careers, my late night glamorous parties and each year on this day ... they roll out the red carpet for me. They are, in themselves, my reason for living. When you really think about that statement that is so commonly said by most loving mothers... wow, how bold. Really think about this... before children, they had no reason to live? Oh they did.. they just didn't know exactly what life could be. Life as was currently known was absorbed in creating the most well balanced life for yourself. Hobbies that made you happy, friends you could trust, successes in work and school. Without children, your life would carry on and be satisfying. However, the moment your child is born your personal worlds shift and the direction takes a wild turn. I don't believe they are the reason for a person to exist but I definitely believe they can be the center to their existence. As mother's every single one of our choices have a hint of influence from our children. Every choice and decision, every goal and aspiration somehow turns into ones that are both our own and someone else's. Very interesting dynamic in life. These four beings above are the center of my life. Without them, I would definitely be a different person. 

Although my children shine in my heart as my life's focus they are not the reason for my existence.  That title my dears belongs to my own mother. Even though she lives off in the distance right now, she doesn't ever seem very far away. If I am half the mother raising my children as my mom was raising me then I will be a happy woman and I will have happy kids. I look back at my childhood and I was always smiling. My mother was always there beside me diving into my imagination, teaching me and I never doubted her trust. I hope my children will be able to do the same.. when they think of their childhood, they think of stressfree days with an array of opportunities in front of them. I hope they remember like I do, the simplicity of a mom's help. No matter how small. Her smile and love that had the capability to over power any fear or booboo that I was crying over. Yes, I hope I make that same impact on these 4 beautiful people.  Thank you mama on this Mother's Day for everything big and small!

Well, hellooooooo sunshine!

Oh, I see something familiar in the distance.  It's full of light and warmth. My good old friend Positivity is back!

Even though I still have pain in my back and my tooth, even though maternity leave has left us broke as a joke, and I'm still crying at the drop of a hat sifting through emotions.

The sunshine has come back around!

Spring has barely shown it's face and summer is banging on the door. 

I'm excited for the May activities. I am so thankful the cards are working in my favor to be able to be present for the first time in much of the school-year ending festivities. Then, it's back to work... back to our new sense of normalcy. 

Hello Sunshine!

(also, I'm going to be starting a new writing project. I really need to get my mind active.. so stay tuned!)

The many faces of adjustment

Getting in a routine and getting used to a new person in the house, a new baby at that where you are their mother. That's a hard role to live up to. It is both natural and challenging. Your instincts want to be the sole provider of comfort and love... Something is wrong, the new mother's heart wants to fix it. She longs for the cuddles, the happy smiles, the satisfaction of being able to soothe a restless cry with an embrace,her voice and a gentle dance around the room. I have been very very lucky with a very happy and content baby with just a couple instances a day that are left in wonder of how we can soothe the fuss. However, I've been hit with a few  challenges to my mommy self confidence. 

This back pain that only seems to subside when I'm flat on my back. How much can I get accomplished for myself or for my child flat on my back? A big fat nothing or a big fat blow to my self worth. I don't speak much about it because the pain is there and nothing makes it go away completely, so why bother... I can deal with it.  If life was still about me functioning for myself. I could carry on. Unfortunately what I can not carry for a great amount of time is my own newborn baby and that simply hurts my heart. Do I still carry him? And bounce him and do the "please calm down baby I love you" dance? Yes! I do... It hurts but it's my job... I'm mommy and there is nothing more important. I suppose I am writing this to let all those know around me... If I suddenly stop and pass him off without notice it's because my stupid body needs a short break. My break should probably be longer than my heart wants but just ten minutes to allow for some pressure and weight shifting. 

All this medicine has impacted my nursing experience too. They say it's safe but I know for a fact if I do so ..these medicines in doses I am not comfortable with are entering his body and for the length of time and in the increments I need I do not feel right in doing so. Wich of course.... Makes me feel guilty. So I don't. I have tried to pump to keep the flow and my pumping has had far less production to the point it would probably take a weeks worth to fill one bottle. Defeated, guilty. Yah, I feel pretty crummy.

So yes, when he wakes in the middle of the night... I do bring him to bed with me. I need those cuddles and I need that smile looking up at me as I lay down because that's when he tells me it's okay... It's okay that I can't hold him while standing without hurting.. my body will heal. It's okay that nursing has just been a night event because I am doing my best and he does love to eat no matter the source. 

 I am my own worst critic in everything in life.. Yet as a mom of a baby.. I expect perfection of myself and I know this is terrible. Due to the many emotions and hormones that are involved at this time perfection should simply be doing my best. I'm trying! 

The Baby Detective

Yah, so little A is my 4th. We've all established that it's been so long since I've had a baby that brand new moms probably have more solid confidence. The basics come right back to you... but the rest is a supreme act of trial and error. All four of these kids have been so different. The initial response is to try what worked for the others. Well, in some cases that may have been handy but in this case I should have used those as a guideline to jump to the opposite. I begin the babymatical equation with the idea that Brando liked something ... so that's a good start.  Trial and error.... recipe of deduction. Nope, that was a no-go!  Well, then Kaligirl liked the next one... Again, big wrong buzzer.  Try again... yep, likes what Evanger likes... the process intermingles and flips around. No two are exactly the same and he is a mixture of all of the above.  Figuring out his very own recipe.. what makes Ashboo his own unique individual has been a very interesting ride.  One thing I do know is that he is the first to accept alot of things that the others wouldn't.  Like where he sleeps, the guantlet of many different formula supplementation, and the array of bottles to try. He will actually sleep in the bassinet and Brandon was the only one who did that. He's the only to like Enfamil, whereas the others were Similac and Gerber (previously Nestle and Carnation.) He's the only one to like Dr Brown's bottles. Brandon used Avent and the other two used Playtex. Come to think of it... Ashboo has more similarities to what he likes to Brando than the other two. The other two used the same bottles and formula (all had boob juice as well) but Brando who is his fellow Pisces February buddy has more in common. Quite interesting...