Well, hellooooooo sunshine!

Oh, I see something familiar in the distance.  It's full of light and warmth. My good old friend Positivity is back!

Even though I still have pain in my back and my tooth, even though maternity leave has left us broke as a joke, and I'm still crying at the drop of a hat sifting through emotions.

The sunshine has come back around!

Spring has barely shown it's face and summer is banging on the door. 

I'm excited for the May activities. I am so thankful the cards are working in my favor to be able to be present for the first time in much of the school-year ending festivities. Then, it's back to work... back to our new sense of normalcy. 

Hello Sunshine!

(also, I'm going to be starting a new writing project. I really need to get my mind active.. so stay tuned!)

The many faces of adjustment

Getting in a routine and getting used to a new person in the house, a new baby at that where you are their mother. That's a hard role to live up to. It is both natural and challenging. Your instincts want to be the sole provider of comfort and love... Something is wrong, the new mother's heart wants to fix it. She longs for the cuddles, the happy smiles, the satisfaction of being able to soothe a restless cry with an embrace,her voice and a gentle dance around the room. I have been very very lucky with a very happy and content baby with just a couple instances a day that are left in wonder of how we can soothe the fuss. However, I've been hit with a few  challenges to my mommy self confidence. 

This back pain that only seems to subside when I'm flat on my back. How much can I get accomplished for myself or for my child flat on my back? A big fat nothing or a big fat blow to my self worth. I don't speak much about it because the pain is there and nothing makes it go away completely, so why bother... I can deal with it.  If life was still about me functioning for myself. I could carry on. Unfortunately what I can not carry for a great amount of time is my own newborn baby and that simply hurts my heart. Do I still carry him? And bounce him and do the "please calm down baby I love you" dance? Yes! I do... It hurts but it's my job... I'm mommy and there is nothing more important. I suppose I am writing this to let all those know around me... If I suddenly stop and pass him off without notice it's because my stupid body needs a short break. My break should probably be longer than my heart wants but just ten minutes to allow for some pressure and weight shifting. 

All this medicine has impacted my nursing experience too. They say it's safe but I know for a fact if I do so ..these medicines in doses I am not comfortable with are entering his body and for the length of time and in the increments I need I do not feel right in doing so. Wich of course.... Makes me feel guilty. So I don't. I have tried to pump to keep the flow and my pumping has had far less production to the point it would probably take a weeks worth to fill one bottle. Defeated, guilty. Yah, I feel pretty crummy.

So yes, when he wakes in the middle of the night... I do bring him to bed with me. I need those cuddles and I need that smile looking up at me as I lay down because that's when he tells me it's okay... It's okay that I can't hold him while standing without hurting.. my body will heal. It's okay that nursing has just been a night event because I am doing my best and he does love to eat no matter the source. 

 I am my own worst critic in everything in life.. Yet as a mom of a baby.. I expect perfection of myself and I know this is terrible. Due to the many emotions and hormones that are involved at this time perfection should simply be doing my best. I'm trying! 

The Baby Detective

Yah, so little A is my 4th. We've all established that it's been so long since I've had a baby that brand new moms probably have more solid confidence. The basics come right back to you... but the rest is a supreme act of trial and error. All four of these kids have been so different. The initial response is to try what worked for the others. Well, in some cases that may have been handy but in this case I should have used those as a guideline to jump to the opposite. I begin the babymatical equation with the idea that Brando liked something ... so that's a good start.  Trial and error.... recipe of deduction. Nope, that was a no-go!  Well, then Kaligirl liked the next one... Again, big wrong buzzer.  Try again... yep, likes what Evanger likes... the process intermingles and flips around. No two are exactly the same and he is a mixture of all of the above.  Figuring out his very own recipe.. what makes Ashboo his own unique individual has been a very interesting ride.  One thing I do know is that he is the first to accept alot of things that the others wouldn't.  Like where he sleeps, the guantlet of many different formula supplementation, and the array of bottles to try. He will actually sleep in the bassinet and Brandon was the only one who did that. He's the only to like Enfamil, whereas the others were Similac and Gerber (previously Nestle and Carnation.) He's the only one to like Dr Brown's bottles. Brandon used Avent and the other two used Playtex. Come to think of it... Ashboo has more similarities to what he likes to Brando than the other two. The other two used the same bottles and formula (all had boob juice as well) but Brando who is his fellow Pisces February buddy has more in common. Quite interesting...

Đầy tháng

Beautiful boy is 1 month old.  Couple gifts and a cake, friends and family brought in celebrating such a wonderful new life. This boy is going to touch many hearts. He steals them already. These past four weeks have been a blur. The days have gone so quickly that I feel as if entire portions were just skipped over. We just brought him home yesterday right before the snow storm hit. Right? Time associated with children is the strangest mystery. What about them makes days, months and years seem like seconds on the clock? About as close to time travel as we can get. 

Spring has sprung... A leak!

This is not my first rodeo yet I forgot the amount of emotional challenges that a new mom goes through. I expected the crazy weepy mood shifts the first few days but I escaped it, or so I thought. Nope, I was just on an extended adrenaline, dopamine, oxytocin love hormone high... Or something else scientificy. After almost 3 weeks the mood shift hit like a hammer. I'm not sad exactly... I'm not depressed... I'm not doom and gloom... I don't want to hide under a rock... I want to get up and be productive and cuddle my baby at each chance. Yet, every where I turn.... My eyeballs are leaking. Seriously, at every turn... my face plumbing has gone haywire. My poor husband probably thinks I have been abducted by aliens in my lack of sleep. It very well could happen in that very short span we aresimultaneously  have our eyes closed. Why am I crying? I don't know is my answer! I feel fine. Yet not really. But mostly fine! It will pass... Very soon. 

     Not my first rodeo like I said but I definitely feel like a beginner. 4th baby ... New challenges. In the picture above Little Squish is wearing the same outfit his 14 year old brother wore when he came home from the hospital. I didn't have fits of tears at that time. I also didn't have the established family I have and all of the numerous adult worries and stresses. I was 20 and carefree. 

   Yes, having a baby is so much easier when the siblings are a teenager, pre-teen, and almost 4th grader. The help and the love is unsurpassable. I don't have two sets of diapers to do.. Don't have a newborn and toddler and kindergartener who all depend on me at every turn. No, I only have one child to play the guessing game as to why they are screaming at 2 a.m.  Makes a world of difference and in that aspect it's a 100 times easier.  With that said... I do have an already established family with their own issues to tend to at the same time and those challenges are not physical challenges like that of when they were younger.  These hurdles to jump are atresses on your mind and heart.. Figuring out why the younger child feels on the defense and like his brother and sister don't care about him.. Coming up with ways to tackle why he feels left out.  Dealing with life lessons with the teenager about setting such high standards for himself and shifting through the disappointment when he doesn't achieve that.... Sorting through letting yourself down is a struggle when you are 14. My heart broke for him. Determination is great but backing it up is a hard lesson. He is very successful to us yet, like me, so hard on himself. Yah, family is a mixture of trials and successes.  

  Add to that the very real stress of dealing with selling a house while the other party isn't present, being on leave without income, and doctor appt after doctor appt for what seems like every one in this house.  These hormones and chemical imbalances that having a baby entails, really... It's no wonder my eyeballs are leaking. But my heart still grew an extra 6.14 pound and 20.5 inches a few weeks ago and together, everyone in this family will pull through. 

Thank god for my husband being home with me these first weeks. He has been an amazing reminder as to what a second person in a marriage can do... Which is everything ... When it's too much. Soccer practices, field trips, dental appts, cooking dinner, being my therapist and my cheerleader... Reminding me that I'm loved and doing great. 

Thanks to my children for pouring the love onto each of us... These two parents need it. We are strong.. 

So to all my new mom friends who are going though the same thing.. it's just a little water. Just a little leak this spring. Soon the flowers will be blooming with laughter and a solid night sleep. 

    Cherish these sweet moments no matter how damp. 

A journey complete. Welcome sweet baby boy.

It's a journey I'm not a stranger to but it was the final adventure of it's kind for me. Creating a child, carrying and nurturing that baby until they have entered this world is not a simple task. Each time the experience is different and this time was exceptionally challenging.  Could be age, I'm no spring chicken... or the fact that he is the 4th as my doctor suggested, or just simply the luck of the draw. Either way, the journey is complete and I'm left feeling on top of the world, in love and insanely proud to be Mommy.

On February 28, 2014 at 6:31 pm this journey came to an end. It wasn't without worry or scare. Little boy was just like his sister in hating contractions and his heart rate got dangerously low. They were 2 minutes away from emergency c-section but as soon as they let my body handle it how it wanted to there was no stopping the little man from coming right then, just like his new big brother.

Pregnancy is a very short moment in time but it opens up a new life of love. Weighing in at 6 pounds 14 ounces and 20 1/2 inches long this sweet little baby has given me a new name. I'm no longer Brandon, Kalista and Evan's mom... along with the normal names I am called. I am now Ashton's Mom and proud of it!!

What A Valentine means to me

It's having a sweetheart.  It's the hope of never being alone. It's evidence that someone in your life touches your heart and cultivates your spirit.

It's the simplest gesture of written words from your children and husband that remind you that you are loved, you are special and every detail that you don't give a second thought to is appreciated. 

In these notes I was reminded that the relationships I have with each member of my family is sweet and unique and they reaffirmed that I am doing a pretty good job even if there were times I felt like I a lost little puppy. 

I thank my Valentines for my flowers, my rose petals and note covered hallway. The image of slowly walking down and reading each one and becoming filled with tears will not leave me. Thank you to my hubby who knows me so well and to my children who enjoy tugging my heartstrings. 

I hope everyone had a great love day!