So fresh and So clean

New! Fresh start. Clean slate. These are terms to describe how we feel with the new year. As the start of a new January approaches, hope and motivation enters. There is something magical in the air in the days after Christmas. As the current year washes away, the new one props it's feet in a running position at the starting line. The clock strikes midnight on January 1st and the shot is fired in the air and away it goes. Possibilities are in reach. The future in our grasp. We are rejuvenated with goals and wishes for ourselves and our families. Hopes and worries alike for the world as a whole. 2015. Welcome!

So, my hopes for the New Year is that 2015 will be the year that...

I can set the wheels in motion for us to not live so tightly. Financially and in physical space.

I will get back the healthy and confident glow in my physical self.

I will finally go on my historic tour of Nashville.

I will learn to do one thing for myself each week. Be it a treat or a new project.

I will plan and get the family out on a monthly adventure.

Will be the year the garage gets completely organized and used for the good space it is.

and finally, my hope that 2015 will be a year we can look back at all the many ways we have lived life to the most!

2014 was about change.... 2015 is going to be about using that change to our advantage. We are a family unit of 6... this isn't new anymore.... time to put that Party of 6 to use! Unraveling what this world has to offer us all.

Happy 2015 to everyone!

'Tis the Season!

It is officially the holiday season in 2014.

This family has started our yearly traditions. Within those traditions are hidden hope and heart. These children are growing. These traditions keep them children during this season. I hope they will be 25 and helping us pick out our tree for home. My hopes are high, I know. But I want that movie family. That all come home at Christmas. I know that if they do, they will insist on their traditions. Tree, gingerbread house, lights on the river and the hotel, the pickle, pajamas and hot chocolate, movies on the couch... and family love. 

With family being the center of December... it is also a time I find myself reflecting on the year. It's the end of a year. 2014. Wow. In 2013 we were married... in 2014 we welcomed a vibrant, soulful spirit named Ashton who has shaken up all our lives. He's a perfect blend of his daddy and me and a complete mix of all his brothers and sister. I can see and feel bits and pieces of all of us in him. What a blessing, what an addition to this already amazing family.  It is his first Christmas. He is too young to know and understand the magic of the holiday season but he can feel it.

He knows there is something unique brewing at this time of year. He sees the tree, he sees the lights but he has yet to witness the magic of Christmas. It's coming little one... it's coming!

Looking back at this year.. I miss those who are not around. They have gone through so much and it pains me to not be there. 

Such a busy time of year but we always had our coffee.. and we always had our lights. I hope... I will always have you! I scared you in 2008 ... you scared me in 2014. Difference is, I wasn't there. Our blood, our hearts... they won't work against us because we have strength and love and so many wonderful people around us. I just wish I had been there for you like you were for me. I hope this scare stays in 2014!

This world is in a turmoil. We are fighting amongst eachother. We are a target from others abroad. We need to move forward... in peace and solidarity. UNITED we stand. Divided we fall. I haven't spoken much about the recent events in this country. I don't feel it's my place. I wasn't there. For those not involved in the police community they don't know the details... they don't know the training, they don't know the quick decisions needed. There are police in areas that have to make the life or death decision every day. That is not their fault. The answer to "if i don't do this will i come home to my wife and children tonight..." shouldn't ever have to cross an average person's mind on a daily basis. There are bad people in every profession. There are doctors who are off their game and misdiagnose and result in people dying. They aren't labeled racist murderers. I've seen pictures of signs that say "For each cop killed the world is a better place." Really? This hurts the core of my being. This isn't race. Someone driving by my house, sees the patrol car in the driveway... they don't know my husband is not white. They don't know my husband has an amazing family, they don't know that he would fight to save them if they were in need. Yet, that patrol car.... labels him as a murderer. Wow, the world could never be so wrong. 2014. STOP with the labels. Black, White. Cop. Criminal. We are AMERICANS... and people in other countries want us dead because of that.  It's been very hard to keep a positive forefront the last half of this year. We will get through this. We will prevail. United!

Siblings

Oh. My kids. I love them. I am proud of them. Not just for who they are but who they have been and who they will become. Already. As siblings.. they may bicker and argue (more and more as the years go on) but they have a solid bond. They support each other. Honestly, they are the greatest gift I could have given to each one of them. I can only hope they keep this bond as they venture into adults. Because it is then that their individual qualities will really be needed by the other.

Brandon is quick becoming the best role model and big brother figure. He'll keep them accountable and remind them of what is important for their goals and successes. He picks one thing and masters it. He knows what he wants in life, for himself. That is to be the best he can be. We remind him to be a kid. Have fun and enjoy his friends because these are the years that truly shape who you are. The basis for your future that you will always look back on. Being the oldest, he knows the word responsibility... does what is asked of him without a word because he knows that the reward is greater when you work hard for it. His gift to the others is definitely leading by example and will be there to help accomplish things together. He's going to have their back when they need motivation and purpose. When they don't know what college to go to.. or what direction to take. He will help them with the steps to get there and to make it happen.

Kali is the family jackie of all trades. She finds an interest.. she does it and she does good at it. She has the magnetic personality that everyone wants to be around. Yesterday as I was telling her that there will be alot of people in the stands looking at her and to just focus on her squad... she said "Mom, I don't get stage fright." This is true. She can put herself out there in life and not be afraid. She has gotten let down but she keeps on going. She's tenacious and vibrant. If she wants something.. she tries for it. Her spirit amazes me. She is definitely her sibling's cheerleader. She will be the support and feminine love that her brothers need.. long after they are out of the house. She will be the positive support .. the "you can do it" voice they will need to make that final decision. "Can I really take this job?..." One of her brothers will ask.. "Yes. You can... and you will do great because...." They are so lucky to have her as such a positive force. She will remind them that sometimes.. a hug really does cure it all. Being the only girl... she will be bombarded with girl questions from her brothers and be the one to help translate their relationships. They couldn't ask for more level-headed advice. She will help put it in perspective why their future wives do what they do. Because they just want a hug and cuddle!

Evan.... Evan will be there to remind them to not take life too seriously. Yet, he will be the one to constantly instill in them the importance of the family unit. The first two will be off... doing their own thing and it will be him to remind them they need to come home and visit mom and dad. That our hearts are what is important... and it's those who have cared for us who deserves our time. I think .... in my older days, it will be Evan that I am so thankful for. He won't forget and he won't get too caught up to visit. He will be arranging the get-togethers and be the Uncle that all my grandchildren will adore. He will be the one to drop all he is doing in a millisecond to help his brothers or sister in need. If one of them gets themselves in a bad living situation. It will be Evan that leaves where he is and drives 3 hours to help them move at 11:00 pm. He may be the source of little brother annoyance right now... but his heart is the so deep and his mind is so loving. He puts himself after everyone else and that my brothers and sisters... Is rare.

Ashton is far too little to get a feel for his qualities and aspirations.. but he is the littlest, by far. He is so fortunate to see these wonderful three grow and become who they are. I can only imagine how they will rub off on him. For now, he can sit up on daddy's shoulders and watch them on the sidelines. He's the luckiest baby on earth with these brothers and sister. They will be there for every step he learns and every word he speaks and I am positive that if ever he needs someone other than his mom or dad... he can call any one of these other three... and they will have exactly what he needs to do or hear. He will forever be the baby. They will forever help him with life and for that I know I will be so grateful.

Sunday Rain

I absolutely love waking up on a Sunday morning at around 8 o'Clock. With just enough sleep to feel rested and the house quiet enough to be only me. These days have been so incredibly busy that not only are those moments rare but they are not savored as they should be. Life is good, life is busy but there is one thing that can slow all of life's best intentions to a halt.

 It calms, it restores, it cleanses, it makes us use our minds and contemplate. It even slows drivers on a busy highway and forces a new level of careful on them. You can gain a lot of information from observing a person in the rain. On an every day level of normalcy we tend to shelter from the rain. It becomes a nuisance because it comes between our goals and where we are. However, when an individual is experiencing a certain level of emotion the rain acts as a tool. A tool of contemplation for a particularly trying time. A key to self discovery when you feel soulfully lost. A lover's drug as it washes the world away around two lives. Embracing as the drops of wet sky fall completely around their two faces. Their love at that moment is unbreakable, unwavering and pure. Passion in a million tiny hits of love. Rain, it's a force.

To me, the kiss of the sun is nothing compared to the sound of the rain hitting the roof of a house. I do love sunshine, I do. But, it can't compare... the texture is so much more dynamic. The senses are engaged. Rain is seen falling down and bouncing off an old building. Rain is felt as it plays on your skin walking down a gravel path. Rain is heard as it hits the leaves of a big oak tree over head. Rain is tasted as the children twirl in circles with their little faces to the sky. 

This morning the rain felt more cleansing than normal to my thoughts. My mind has been so full of the disturbing happenings in the world yet for the moment this morning the rain allowed me to stop those thoughts and just listen. Listen to the sky tell me that life is beautiful and that has not changed. So, as I sit here in my rocking chair with a blanket, my coffee near the window and my family under our roof, I know why people save things for a rainy day...

Summer's End

New. Everything is about to be new again. New lessons learned. New emotions handled. New achievements conquered and a fresh start to life as a child knows it. This is a favorite time of year for the kids in my house. Possibilities are limitless. Tomorrow is about to be sought out, anticipated and experienced.

New clothes, new hair, new impressions. When you are growing, each year is an experience and a chance to share what is learned... about lives past and current. Each year is an opportunity to share the sparkly new bits and pieces of yourself.

As a grown up and as a parent, summer's end really has me in a mix of emotions. Another year older in the eye of society. Not just their biological age but the age in which they exist in the community. We, as parents give them a great start. We give them the basic tools of morals, boundaries and manners. School is a kind of "on the job training" where they put those skills to use. Fine tuning them for the future. They develop their circles of friendship, they learn the importance of honesty, they have crucial struggles with disappointment and are given chances to test their knowledge. 

This year I will have a child in every stage of the school experience. High school, Middle school, Elementary school and Daycare and this summer was an unusual one. Filled with visitors and lazy days. The oldest was the only one that went on a vacation and that was because of his competition. As a family we swam, we went to the library and we talked a lot. It may have been pretty uneventful but at the same time it was nice. Yet, they are ready for summer to end. They want to learn new things and challenge their brains. They want to get together with their friends and search for tomorrow and I am so excited to fill their backpacks with encouragement. 

Let's do this!

Memories on paper

As many schools have let out or are just about to be let out for summer vacation I have been thinking back at what it was like for me on that last day of school. I looked back on the year and knew those memories would be with me forever. The events of the school year that involved both my friends and my teachers. Here I am, now 34 and most of those years are now foggy. I don't remember those events in school that seemed so very important when I was young.  It was life as I knew it. Future me was a million years away and I lived in the moment. Here I sit at 34 and those days in school are a fog. I don't remember every detail I thought I would. I thought those events and reactions then were so monumental that for SURE they would never be lost on me. But, they were. Yah, I can remember vague instances of hanging out with my friends.. or conversations with particular inspirational teachers. I wish I kept my diaries. What I did keep were my yearbooks. I have them all at nearly every grade. I have the pictures and I have the words that were written. I read all the signatures and what seemed to be mini-stories that my friends put in my books. It brought a huge smile to my face... and memories of each person came back. I wonder how they are... if they remember me. If they do remember me, I wonder if they recall the same events I do or if their brains have fogged that out.  Our yearbooks were a big deal to us so when I looked at my oldest son's yearbook I thought how boring! Yes, they are all color and have a bunch of neat information in them but the personal detail of friend's signatures really lacked. There was no art to it, no silly sayings, no real personal detail... just kids' names... and of course since they don't teach cursive any more they were just printed names at that. No individuality! So, I decided to share little snippets out of mine. Names are covered to protect the innocent.

My daughter and I are really more alike than she realizes. This is exactly what her friends say about her. Apparently we were both goofy weird and crazy happy. We both look for the best in people and stand by our friends. Two peas in a pod.

I can remember when knowing someone for three whole years felt like we knew their soul. We felt like we knew them in and out for our entire lives and for sure meant we wouldn't ever lose touch. I don't even remember what this boy looks like (I didnt look back at his picture.) 3 years in 6th grade is in fact eternity.

Yah, does that say Molly?  lol. oh and EVERYTHING sounds perverted in 7th grade.

She gets it!! I was Holly to most people.. most people didn't get to really know me. I had just a handful of good friends who would have any real reason to know the real spelling of my name.

I don't remember my friends being this boy crazy and I most certainly don't remember "getting the guys" LOL This is funny!

I really didn't need to block out her name. But see what I mean about writing something to remember!

see, sweet memories!

That's like a sister ... and stay the way you are. Again, my friends were sweet!!

and then... there's some friends that are just silly. I couldn't believe I didn't remember this... and then, the boyfriend at the time saw it and wrote on it as if the other boy could see it. I mustached it out.. it wasn't nice. I didn't think... in 9th grade the word sexy was written in my yearbook. I thought we weren't as vulgar as kids these days... but goes to show ya what we think our generation was like vs what it was really like. And I moved that summer... so there was no flirtin' with the flag girl.

:) Holly-wog even my nicknames are mispelled!

Yes!!! the traditional yearbook sayings!  My kids had no idea there was such a tradition. All they do now is "I signed your crack" and they think it is original!

Wouldn't have survived! :)  See, I'm vital to society's existence!

I wouldn't let him copy my math. I was so mean. Or was I too nice and let him? I don't remember!!

... and finally... from the Honors English teacher who called me Sunshine. She got my name right. Teachers always did. I thought it was amazing that I could have impacted an adult as much as they influenced me. I wonder if I still have that "big brown eyed expression" when I talk. I certainly hope I am still delightful, warm and sensitive. 

Overall, I still feel we haven't changed much... even when I joke about starting new. At the core we are still the same. Reading these made me smile. I hope my children will remember to not take for granted a handwritten note to their friends... they won't be able to go back when they are in their 30's and look at their facebook walls or their friends walls or pictures or updates. Maybe they will but it will be so cluttered and vast. I urge them at the end of each year to write a personalized note in their friend's yearbooks.. it truly is a gift down the road. Thank you friends of the past!

June is the new black

Wow, this June 1st definitely feels like January 1st to me.  New beginnings on the horizon... fresh clean starts. Summertime brings with it the cleansing promise of long days.  Time to accomplish tasks and finish goals. This year has been a very challenging year so far and it makes complete sense for June, the mid-year mark to be the point to access and re-evaluate our challenges and confirm new tactics to tackle those. New Years resolutions seem quite trivial to me now.... I will wait until June to make my "Mid-Year Resolutions." At that point we are well aware of how our year is going and we still have plenty of time to turn that around if need be.

Tomorrow I return to work. My feelings about this are completely mixed. I am ready... I'm ready to rejoin the world of adults. I'm ready to put my knowledge to use and more importantly I'm ready to contribute again with the bacon... to get us back on track in a forward motion. However, I'm not ready to begin my family time for the day after 5 pm. Luckily it is summer... and we will have to adjust slowly before it's the school year again. I've never had a baby in daycare but I will just have to fill my days with images of the baby playing with other babies and making friends. I know he will be taken care of.... I know he won't be showered with the love of his mommy all day long but I do hope that he is showered with enough love to get him by. The day will be a challenge, for sure. On the positive side, I will be working closer to home and can come home for lunch and check on the summertime kids.

So, I've got my list of Mid-Year resolutions... I'm mentally prepped for tomorrow.. all of this will make it possible for us to enjoy our next anniversary in the same place it all happened... the beach!