Spring has sprung... A leak!

This is not my first rodeo yet I forgot the amount of emotional challenges that a new mom goes through. I expected the crazy weepy mood shifts the first few days but I escaped it, or so I thought. Nope, I was just on an extended adrenaline, dopamine, oxytocin love hormone high... Or something else scientificy. After almost 3 weeks the mood shift hit like a hammer. I'm not sad exactly... I'm not depressed... I'm not doom and gloom... I don't want to hide under a rock... I want to get up and be productive and cuddle my baby at each chance. Yet, every where I turn.... My eyeballs are leaking. Seriously, at every turn... my face plumbing has gone haywire. My poor husband probably thinks I have been abducted by aliens in my lack of sleep. It very well could happen in that very short span we aresimultaneously  have our eyes closed. Why am I crying? I don't know is my answer! I feel fine. Yet not really. But mostly fine! It will pass... Very soon. 

     Not my first rodeo like I said but I definitely feel like a beginner. 4th baby ... New challenges. In the picture above Little Squish is wearing the same outfit his 14 year old brother wore when he came home from the hospital. I didn't have fits of tears at that time. I also didn't have the established family I have and all of the numerous adult worries and stresses. I was 20 and carefree. 

   Yes, having a baby is so much easier when the siblings are a teenager, pre-teen, and almost 4th grader. The help and the love is unsurpassable. I don't have two sets of diapers to do.. Don't have a newborn and toddler and kindergartener who all depend on me at every turn. No, I only have one child to play the guessing game as to why they are screaming at 2 a.m.  Makes a world of difference and in that aspect it's a 100 times easier.  With that said... I do have an already established family with their own issues to tend to at the same time and those challenges are not physical challenges like that of when they were younger.  These hurdles to jump are atresses on your mind and heart.. Figuring out why the younger child feels on the defense and like his brother and sister don't care about him.. Coming up with ways to tackle why he feels left out.  Dealing with life lessons with the teenager about setting such high standards for himself and shifting through the disappointment when he doesn't achieve that.... Sorting through letting yourself down is a struggle when you are 14. My heart broke for him. Determination is great but backing it up is a hard lesson. He is very successful to us yet, like me, so hard on himself. Yah, family is a mixture of trials and successes.  

  Add to that the very real stress of dealing with selling a house while the other party isn't present, being on leave without income, and doctor appt after doctor appt for what seems like every one in this house.  These hormones and chemical imbalances that having a baby entails, really... It's no wonder my eyeballs are leaking. But my heart still grew an extra 6.14 pound and 20.5 inches a few weeks ago and together, everyone in this family will pull through. 

Thank god for my husband being home with me these first weeks. He has been an amazing reminder as to what a second person in a marriage can do... Which is everything ... When it's too much. Soccer practices, field trips, dental appts, cooking dinner, being my therapist and my cheerleader... Reminding me that I'm loved and doing great. 

Thanks to my children for pouring the love onto each of us... These two parents need it. We are strong.. 

So to all my new mom friends who are going though the same thing.. it's just a little water. Just a little leak this spring. Soon the flowers will be blooming with laughter and a solid night sleep. 

    Cherish these sweet moments no matter how damp. 

A journey complete. Welcome sweet baby boy.

It's a journey I'm not a stranger to but it was the final adventure of it's kind for me. Creating a child, carrying and nurturing that baby until they have entered this world is not a simple task. Each time the experience is different and this time was exceptionally challenging.  Could be age, I'm no spring chicken... or the fact that he is the 4th as my doctor suggested, or just simply the luck of the draw. Either way, the journey is complete and I'm left feeling on top of the world, in love and insanely proud to be Mommy.

On February 28, 2014 at 6:31 pm this journey came to an end. It wasn't without worry or scare. Little boy was just like his sister in hating contractions and his heart rate got dangerously low. They were 2 minutes away from emergency c-section but as soon as they let my body handle it how it wanted to there was no stopping the little man from coming right then, just like his new big brother.

Pregnancy is a very short moment in time but it opens up a new life of love. Weighing in at 6 pounds 14 ounces and 20 1/2 inches long this sweet little baby has given me a new name. I'm no longer Brandon, Kalista and Evan's mom... along with the normal names I am called. I am now Ashton's Mom and proud of it!!

What A Valentine means to me

It's having a sweetheart.  It's the hope of never being alone. It's evidence that someone in your life touches your heart and cultivates your spirit.

It's the simplest gesture of written words from your children and husband that remind you that you are loved, you are special and every detail that you don't give a second thought to is appreciated. 

In these notes I was reminded that the relationships I have with each member of my family is sweet and unique and they reaffirmed that I am doing a pretty good job even if there were times I felt like I a lost little puppy. 

I thank my Valentines for my flowers, my rose petals and note covered hallway. The image of slowly walking down and reading each one and becoming filled with tears will not leave me. Thank you to my hubby who knows me so well and to my children who enjoy tugging my heartstrings. 

I hope everyone had a great love day! 

Winter's Crystal

Yesterday while at work I looked out the window and saw one of nature's masterpieces. We all know it's been a very cold winter... and yes, on the Kentucky side there has been alot more ice but for the most part just ice and cold. That doesn't suffice for my Winter Rule of "If it's going to be THIS (insert bone chilling degree here) cold then there better be snow on the ground to enjoy." We woke up this morning to some snow! Finally a little accumulated and fortunately on a Saturday so the kids can enjoy it without worry school will be cancelled. Yes, yes... my kids are the ones that don't want to prolong summer vacation.  So, back to yesterday...  I was content with no snow yesterday because the glistening sight that I saw almost had a sound to it. As if it was nature's winter wind chimes sparkling in the bitter breeze. The trees were covered in crystal. The sun was up and out and shining bright... The trees that lined the road looked more like they were made from Swarovski than the same ones that are seen every day. It was simply beautiful and reminded me that through the inconvenience and discomforts of life there is most always something beautiful that is able to shine through.

Today marks 35 weeks.. one more week and little mister is "safe" to come. Although the longer he is in, the better. I don't want to rush him at all but I can't wait to be able to walk without pain again! All the celebrating is over and the preparing is almost done. He is welcome when he is ready. But our deal is he has to be completely ready!

I'm off to enjoy our white weekend!

Where are my feet?

I'm so very happy.  I'm so very excited. I'm also certainly very much in a constant struggle to not whine. I feel like it's all I do and that is most certainly not typical of me. I'm peppy, positive and always looking at the silver lining in every detail of life! Yes, I know the silver lining, the pay off.. a beautiful baby boy who will capture all of our hearts. I can not wait.  This is all worth it, without an ounce of a doubt.  I'm trying to be strong and I think I'm doing pretty well for the most part. I try to counter each pain with a preparation. My back hurts from the moment I wake to nearly toppling me over by the end of the day... it's the pressure of him being so low.  I counteract that with washing the baby clothes and blankets we have.  Getting them fresh and ready for his sensitive skin. Emotionally, it worked. A focus... a physical connection to that silver lining. I've never felt so wrung out. I can't stand for too long because of my pelvis and back and I can't sit for too long because of my not all the way healed tailbone. I may have never felt like my body hated me so much but I most certainly have never felt such love, support and anticipation surrounding us by those who care.

We really are loved and I couldn't be more thankful.

I'm apart of this wonderful baby group on Facebook... there's roughly 30 of us all due in March. We talk daily and share our lives. They truly are a treasure.  One of the girls posted this little article on the mystery of what a new mom is like for a new dad.  Now, I may not be "new" in the least.. in fact, I'm very seasoned.  Yet, this time around I feel about as new as I can get. A few of things won't hold true for us because as being a seasoned mom I have learned to trust myself and let go of expectations ... to go with the flow and know that every baby is different and the fears that come with expectations and the unknown are just that with nothing that can be done for them. So, why stress. For the most part this is all true... and I thought very useful. Nobody tells a new dad how to handle a new mom but they have tons of advice on how to handle a baby!

Wise words for new dads

And finally, I have lost my feet.

Can you see them?

 I hope you all have a wonderful week!!! And thank you for putting up with my gripes and moans... it will get better, I swear!

Happy New Year everyone!! 2013 was a heck of a year. Wedding, family and the promise of a new child. I'm not sure how much more full of excitement we could have gotten but 2014 is about to show us. I'm not doing a resolution.  This year, I resolve to just keep going....  the beginning of our new life in 2013 was just a door. A door that opened the mixture of family, the combination of traditions, the mutual hope for the future. There will be big changes but as we walk through the hall of our life we will do it the same as we walked over that threshold in 2013, together.

The most exciting aspect of 2014 in the horizon to me will be the creation of a new life.  Not just this baby but the life of a new father. I simply can not wait until my husband looks into the eyes of his son. The love never known to exist experienced for the first time.

I'm not going to set forth expectations for this year.  I will go with the flow. I will continue my current hopes and dreams and I will watch as my children get another year older. 14, 12, 9 and New. Such milestones. Such experiences I can't wait to share. 2014 is for family, solidarity and love. 2014 is amazing already!

Time? Who has it?

It's December what now?  The coming weekend the month will be half over already. During the week we will have middle school band concerts, events and at the end... my company Christmas party. Before I know it... the kids will go to Texas for Christmas, come back and it will be next year. WOW! Time, it's flying warp speed and my pregnant hormones just can't stop freaking out. 

Winter has come early this year... a couple days of staying indoors because when the door opens it opens to a covering of ice.  The puppies slipping and sliding on their way to the bathroom is kind of cute though. We barely have winters here and the last two years have been super abnormal. I can actually wear the boots my thoughtful hubby bought me to relieve me of my numb toes. I secretly hope it stays like this through the "cold" months ... less ice, more snow. It balances life. It's what I adore about Tennessee... 4 seasons. Each quadrant of the year brings me it's own comfort.

This time last year, my honey was preparing and planning to give me the surprise of a lifetime.  His mind was filled with sparkles and lights and diamonds and pouring his heart out to this woman. This time this year, he is alot calmer than me. I'm internally trying to plan and prepare for a little human being entering our house. I want things rearranged... I want things perfect for his arrival. I know, it's pretty silly. He's not going to care. Especially living in a house filled with this much love and attention. He isn't going to mind if his clothes aren't sorted into little baskets according to type and size or if his blankets aren't folded perfectly. He isn't going to notice if he doesn't have a changing table in his own nursery.... he's just going to notice the many hands that hold him and the many eyes that watch over his safety.  But dangit, I notice!  After the holidays, baby prep is ON! Time is zipping by me.... January will be here... and the reality is, it's very possibly for this baby to be here in February. Brandon was due in March and born Feb 24. Put it in that perspective.. there is one solid month of prep!  Holy moly. That didn't help me not freak out! TIME! You're getting away from me!