Sometimes you need to cry in public

 I cracked open my old laptop and stumbled on my even older blog. There was an unfinished entry entitled "Sometimes you need to cry in public."

Try Something New Take 2

 I've rejuvenated my try something new challenge for myself. I went to Seaside,Florida with a just Sue girls trip for January (Thanks hun!) I have just a little bit of February left for something new. I just decided what I was going to do.... I'm going to the dye a t-shirt. We have the kit... I just haven't done it.

March, I'm going to wear Cowgirl boots for the first time!

April, I'm not so sure.... make Hollandaise sauce?

I am very excited to get these new experiences rolling.

March 22. 2025 - Add on to the original post. We went on Spring break, took a cruise with us, the boys and Brandon's friends on Margaritaville at Sea. We had a great time, The best time was centered on watching Ashton let his walls down to exploring and seeing the many smiles he wore daily. He was latching on to freeing himself beyond his normally closed in and reserved experiences. Being an eye witness to his growth in the world is amazing and monumentally freeing. It's an experience that I wouldn't trade for the world.

He is enjoying new things so much that tomorrow we will be experiencing the Science Adventure Center in the morning and taking his best friend with him to share in the fun.

Bring on the fun of newness! Now is the time that experiences begin to form who we are and brings us new pieces and memories that make us.

#Trysomethingnew2022

 Welcome to a New Year! Welcome to truly living in the now. Welcome to no longer procrastinating to the point of rushed endeavors. Welcome to 2022.

Something tells me that I'm not alone. Not alone with the idea that there is something else to this life that we have not experienced. In my 42 years, with all that I haven't done. I ask myself, "Have you even lived 1/3 of the life that you COULD be living. Do I really know what I like in this world? Do I even know myself when I don't know what I could become?" As humans, we become versions of the people around us and we are shaped by the experiences that flow through and around our unique individualities. We have a base persona but the spirit of exactly who we are is continually fluid and ever changing. Living, truly grabbing the melodic verse of the beauty in our world; is a collection of unique experiences, mesmerizing treats for the senses, and nonsensical occurrences that as C & C Music Factory from my childhood would say are, Things that Make you go Hmmmm.....

Last night, I kicked off my 2022 plan that my dearest friend thought of. Choose something new every month and do it. No matter what, Do it! That is the plan. We are taking charge and being proactive of our experiences. This month, my something new had a focus on the historical Roxy Theater. I have lived in this city well over half my life and have never seen a Live Performance in this building. Sheryl Crow filmed her famous music video for "All I Want to do is have some fun" in front of this theater. Not many people know that I was a performer in my youth and have been aching to sit in those red seats and watch some magic unfold in a live theater setting. Yes! For January's Something New I was going to the first play I could.... I'm going to The Vagina Monologues. It was not at all what I expected.

   

Since all new things are, well, new.... and there is the potential for awkwardness in new... I asked my adventure partner, my mom to join. Good thing I did! More to come on that later...

So, My mom and I set out to have our very first #Trysomethingnew2022 adventure! We were hungry so it only makes sense to go to a restaurant we haven't ever tried on New Day. Mickey's Downtown had a nice bohemian craft beer selling vibe. Their niche appeared to be fancied up versions of kids food. I picked the jalapeño popper grilled cheese sandwich and Mom got the buffalo chicken grilled cheese. It was, okay in my opinion. We both only ate one half. Later the next day, my 16 year old ate them both and said the Buffalo chicken sandwich was better. We won't talk about how he just ate my leftovers without asking... did I mention he was a teenager? Final review for Mickey's: On the sliding scale of Frowny Face Yuck to Best thing in my Mouth EVER.... It was OK yet OK enough to be mad when someone eats yours and that person isn't you.

We took in the chilly air as we walked around downtown wasting time until the show. Some shops were closed, many buildings were empty, a staple is being rebuilt, and some were welcoming the community in to browse their merchandise and have pleasant conversation. Quaint little bookstores with whimsical appeal, boutique eccentric food store, classic historical store fronts to modern business offices establish the true small town Main St, America.

Once our downtown stroll and perusing was complete we made our way to the familiar lighted sign that needs some love. 

The Roxy had it's start in the early 1900's as The Lillian theater. This corner used to be home to Clarksville's Music and Entertainment scene. The Lillian went through 2 fires, was closed in the Great Depression and reopened as The Roxy in 1947. This was the spot Clarksvillians would go to watch movies until 1980. Today, it's a live Playhouse and in the decades I have lived here, I had not seen a live show there. This was the first thing on my 2022 Bucket List. My anticipation was that I would be sitting in the red seats in the main theater where many shows have been watched before me. No, that isn't what I got. More on that soon. 

But we open the doors, we pick up our tickets and we grab a Blackhorse beer (community helping community) and sit and wait until it's time to "take us upstairs." I am so confused.... but, I get more time to talk to my mom. SO, we talk... and we talk." It's 10 minutes to 7 so we gather and go with the group, there was only about 10 of us, back outside on the street and into another door that takes us up stairs and into a small room with a stage. 4 women were on that stage seated ranged young to older and thin to bigger and light to darker, hetero and homosexualities, strong to strong. They were to resemble every woman with stories from every woman. With all the diversity the one constant is strength. Back to the room though, it's dark, small and had a very 1960's beatnik underground (even though we are upstairs) feel to it which was fitting for this play of spoken word prose we were about to witness. My mind wonder what other genres of performance has been in this room. With so few people in the audience and being so close to the actors, I felt the performers were speaking just to my mom and I and they sure said the word Vagina alot. But the message rang loud and clear, embrace the word... and all the sadness, fears, and happiness that comes with having one. Embrace the word and you give it power for those that have had their power ripped from them. The power of being a woman. 

As for the show itself, I expected to laugh a lot more than I did. However, when I did laugh, I laughed pretty dang hard. The best part of the experience was yelling the C word with my mom over and over. I've come to know my mom on such a different level these passed years and watching her have a spark of zest with reckless abandon is inspiring. The show only lasted about an hour and a half with no intermission and then we called it a night. 

There we go! My first #trysomethingnew2022 thing of the year! I definitely learned from this experience. I learned that some things may not be what you thought they would be when trying something new. I am thankful I went to this show even though the event was far from what I imagined. I do however want to see a different show at the Roxy in the main theater. I've left this new experience with a deeper sense of pride for being a woman than I already have (girl power!) another positive memory with my mom, more time spent in a piece of history, and the motivation to find my next New Something!

Blessings Among Chaos

In solid Hollie fashion, my last post stated my intention to routinely write my thoughts. It is therapeutic, it is entertaining and downright fun. Sharing with others is one of my joys. Sharing my knowledge, my possible wisdom, my experience and finally, sharing my heart brings me joy. I should have made myself write more this year. Forced myself to sit in this super comfy, claimed by the husband but I sit in when he isn't around, brown recliner and WRITE. I did not. And what a year to not document! 

2020 .....

My last post was completed in January. At the brink of promise....In January of the year 2020 I finally received my Bachelor's Degree, my second child had all the promises of her senior year ahead of her, I had lost a bunch of weight and was feeling pretty feisty in my new clothes, My oldest was in Utah in the process of signing up for the service. My younger middle child was going with the motions of life and my youngest baby was in Kindergarten. I enjoyed my days in the office and was always busy. My hubster was busy at work managing several different police officers in a school setting. Always busy, always surrounded by young life. The coming months proved to be something out of this world. What was yet to come tossed everything we knew about everyday life aside. 

What was going on??? 

We would read on social media sites and hear on the news. We would hear versions from friend's and family... People in other countries were getting sick and their hospitals were not able to keep up with the demand. Death upon death abroad. We here it will come to our country. We hear that Tom Hanks and his wife get this sickness... we begin to panic. Toilet paper and all cleaning products were hoarded from the stores along with the common sense for survival. All of a sudden a new virus became political. School was canceled before Spring Break, there was no prom and no graduation ceremony. The public was urged to remain home and keep outings to a minimum. The only imaginable way to halt the spread of these germs is to not share them. Countries around the world went quiet, the use of technology for work and for socializing was put to the absolute test. Friendships, relationships and family were challenged to find the good in each other rather than let the annoyances of close proximity take the best of them. Some made it through and some did not. Truth, passion, wonder and fear all made themselves known in a major way. There were wild fires on one coast and riots on another. Hurricanes down below and virus hot spots on top. There was a historic presidential election that took place where my older two were able to have their voices heard for the future. 

But what about me?

With my heart condition I have been worried. Not exactly scared but worried for certain. I worried about who I was around and who they were around. I had a very limited circle I was routinely around. I felt as if I was forgetting about people and I was not. I fear some may have taken it personally but I tried hard to let them know I still cared. During the last quarter of the year, my circle became so small that it's close to a speck rather than a circle... it's my family. I struggled with this for a while but I came to the conclusion that yes, all things happen for a reason; my family is my focus. Their well being, their health, their goals and challenges are all meant to be in the forefront at the end of this year that is 2020.  I have had successes and losses. I have had vibrancies and latencies with my health. I have lost friends and gained others. I have learned solid lessons to dealing with both scenarios. Your friendship is only as strong as the mutual understanding and grace. It takes a chaotic year like 2020 to place the world and it's compartments of life into clear perspective.

So on to the holidays..... to usher in a bit of cheer. Hopefully safely and with happy purpose. Let's celebrate the many blessings we have had among the chaos that is 2020.

A vision of 2020

I used to write daily. It freed my soul! Now, as I look back through the past 7 years my posts have come about what seem like once a year. All roughly at the beginning of a new year.  I supposed this is largely due to the New Year being a time of reflection on life and myself.  I choose ambition and become motivated for a brief week.

I'm nearing the end of my college career which has sucked up a vast portion of my time. My work has swallowed up even more. After this, my family takes up valuable hours which I have no complaints on. I need those hours with my family to breathe. My health has been a miserable suspect on occasions and I suspect that when I am finished with my degree in a few short weeks I will know exactly what to do with my "free" time.  I'll be able to write more creatively. I'll be able to set my ideas to motion and watch the words fly.

I still have the novel idea to begin seeking out old buildings to tour. Unique structures to photograph, precious treasures that may seem to only interest myself, document and write about the secrets within those walls that have been echoed through the many years that it is standing. I want to give my children the gift of discovering history with me, to visit new sites, and to share uncharted territory.  I want to release the young child that dreamt of being an explorer in a simpler time.

I want to try different wines and foods. I want to give a definition to myself other than "mom." I used to think of myself as boring because I didn't have any active hobbies. But, I do have many many interests and soon, I will be exploring those interests to the full extent and I hope to share them with everyone around me.

And....just like that.. it's all about...

U.

University. Utah. Unique. I see why my son chose it to further himself with education and life. It's beautiful. It's Uncanny. It's open and serene. It will be a great place for the exploration of all things BMF. I'm so very thankful that I had this trip with him. The two of us against the world one more time. 

Started early morning... said goodbye to home. He knows where he is ALWAYS welcome.

3 days of traveling. We made it with plenty of time to spare.. wait, no, we went straight to moving him in!

MOUNTAINS!! I remember when this was a daily landscape for me.

Somewhere, Wyoming

Dorms, basketball, football, SLC and mountains!

 When there is In N Out, we must have it.

 First roommates

Beautiful backdrop

And then I flew home.... alone. One kid less. I miss him. But my boy knows me and he certainly knows how to fill the void of part of my heart being across country. He is U-mazing!

Mothering life is a beach!

 

Mothering.

My family is growing up. I once thought these days seemed so far away. There was once a time that wherever I went in public, there was always the comment from some unknowing stranger and it never failed, " Wow you have your hands full!" Yep, I did! "Are all of those yours? You look too  young!" Yes, I was young but I never thought of life in any different way. It was natural. Now, I can go to the store on my own without my three little shadows. I may have another little duckie but the first three watch over him like hawks. Freedom! Yay! But, it's so bittersweet. It's a feeling that I was never officially prepared for. What is this combination of pride, happiness, worry and sadness? That emotion that welled up in me when I first looked at my newborn babies and stared in awe of how beautiful they were. The same emotion that drew up my tears while I watched them sing in school holiday programs, as they walked across stages to claim awards. Pride tugging at my heart. That is the same emotion I feel as my oldest is preparing to move away and start his life journey. But it is mixed with something else... the feeling of an end. It's so hard to explain. Our family is changing shape. Our home will always be their "home" but they will have another, one of their own. My daughter will now be the oldest in the house and the shift of sibling responsibility among them is beginning.

This past week we took our last family vacation as we know it. I spent a lot of the time thinking about this fact.  It's no longer guaranteed that all members will be able to attend and be free at the same time.  Their own lives equal their own plans. I can only hope. That's what my role is now for the oldest, hope. No longer do I need to be the rule enforcer and the one responsible for developing productive character. My role has changed for him. I am now simply support. I've given all the tools needed for him to spread his wings (with the help of my village) and I can sit back and watch the rest of his life, the majority of his life unfold standing by for reassuring love and advice. I'm becoming okay with this. For him, I have no fear about him and his abilities but my fear is of the world. He's going to experience some big challenges and I pray that these challenges will not change the amazing man he is. Same goes for all my children. However, I still have some time with them before I feel this all over again.

Being a mother is something that can not accurately be described in words. There is nothing on this Earth that is more confusing, challenging, rewarding, breathtaking and awe-inspiring. Everyone always says "enjoy them when they are little, time goes too fast." This is an understatement. It's almost as if at the end of the journey, time just jumped.

The reason for Pride

It's been a year since I picked this laptop up and attempted to write anything recreationally. I know this because the most recent draft had this pride flag on it and I was talking about the reason of the festivals that we have going on in the month of June. My life has been quite the whirlwind since I attempted to write that post. My college classwork is intense, I have 3 teenagers and a pre-schooler with special needs and I have a someone judging me at every turn. Oh and I work full time so... I guess I can give myself a break. Although, I would probably feel better if I wrote more because it is therapeutic.

Sitting here just today, seeing the pictures and video chatting my kids from Paris. Yes, Paris, they are so lucky. Some people dream their whole life for the experience they are having, One of those people is me. I am thoroughly enjoying witnessin g them on this experience. It is amazing. I was sitting here thinking about how much I just love history and have a passion for old homes and buildings and I was thinking about writing creatively. I think I am going to start a section on experiencing old architecture for myself, the feelings and the history that come with them. Relaying my perception of what the walls would say if they indeed could talk. Not sure what I would call it but it will get me out and enjoying my passion. Seeking these old treasures and learning about them. I'm not sure if anyone would want to read about that but it sure would make me feel great!

So for this year, Gay Pride month... I don't have anything as elaborate as what I was going to say last year. I will say that I love my son... I am so proud of him for being true to who he is. He has more internal strength than most people who are 20 years older than him. He has always been an old soul, maybe that is why. He has made it possible for the LGBTQ community at his High School to have a safe place to connect with others just the same. He has openly been "out" in every situation and will not hide it. Why would he? It's who he is. He has an amazing boyfriend and I couldn't be happier. I am proud of all of my children but this month, with Gay Pride.... I am super proud of him. He has shown those around him, since he is not the "typical" and stereotypical gay man that who you love does not make you different or wrong. It makes you human.

Signing off for today and will actually press the Publish button. Enjoy the weekend!

What a year...

What a year! What a year.....

I have always been so fortunate as a mother and a human being in life. For the most part and minus a few medical issues my life has been smooth sailing! I've always been an open book and invited others to peep into my thoughts. I have had much to share throughout the years. I just opened my computer to this old blog and saw that it's been well over a year since I wrote anything creative. Maybe that's best... maybe this world is too full of people's inflated thoughts, maybe too many people refuse to get off their soap boxes of terror and miss the point of the world. Yes, I feel there is a point.

This past year was by far the most trying time in my life and as I look back on it all now, I should be damn thankful that's all it was because I'm not fooling myself it could have all been terribly worse. For a rather spoiled, wealth-filled American though, my life seemed to be spiraling into something unrecognizable. All of it though, has led to greatness. At times there needs to be a break down in order to build up. The diamond that has been created through this tightening coal is our closeness. We have a bigger and better understanding of how we all think, work and show our love and frustration.

In short, because we are moving on.... we have dealt with teenagers and the growing issues that comes with the raise in age status. Young people trying to find out who they are and where they fit in this puzzle. As children, this is easy... I am me and I live with mom, dad and I like cookies and my dog. It's all mapped out. When you have children whom you always knew were very old souls this transition is not for the weak. We have dealt with an array of stressful issues that have been magnified and entwined with someone who was once very close to the family. As a result, we had invasions of privacy, assumptions that filtered into our livelihood, false accusations that made us even question ourselves and trust smeared on the edge of what should have been our safety net, our sanctuary, our home.

I am happy to report though that something amazing and beautiful has come of this. We are stronger, not a single soul will be able to come between us and this newer year has started our perfectly! There is harmony and happiness.

Memorial Day

Oh Memorial Day weekend. The kick off to summer. BBQ's, beer, pools, sun. For most of general America, this is what it is. I don't fault them for that. It means they haven't personally lost in that way and that is okay. They are among the fortunate. I can remember growing up with a blinder to the fact that real people, real people among us have given their life for our country. It was a different time, a more peaceful time for us. I also didn't live next to a rapidly deploying military institution. Many of the kids my children go to school with have personally lost.

How did this holiday become a celebration? Is Happy Memorial Day such a bad term? I can only reflect on the only one I was close to that perished in such a way. He would want the loss we experienced to be a celebration of his life. If we are so solemn for what we were given as a result.. we are who we are as a country, because of those who have given their life. Respect the reason, but don't be afraid to make it a day to celebrate with those you are close to. Enjoy the day that we have... because of those who sacrificed. Celebrate. Honor. Remember.

My children don't remember their Uncle's physical presence. I have pictures that remind. They know he was full of love and acceptance and a very unique persona. He raged at the Nashville goth clubs at night and was a dutiful soldier during the day. He was so happy to be an Uncle he cried.  We were cheated to see what a wondeful man he could become. Newly married and embracing family life of his own... he was never far. His life was taken too quickly by the tides of war but he stands among the honorable forever.

Happy Memorial Day to everyone. May you remember and be thankful.

This world we live in

Mostly, I have been moved by the amount of support being shown for the Paris attacks yesterday. This is one world, We are in this together. I don't see how someone in my generation couldn't have felt the pain in the gut when hearing of a terrorist attack. France may be a long ways away but for all of us Americans this is too close to home. Through all the words of Peace and Sympathy that I continue to see today on the world's bulletin board of social media I saw something that bothered me. An individual stated they were so sad for France and someone replied, "Why, because it happened or that it happened to France?" They continued to go on about the many other tragedies that occurred this week in other parts of the world. Although I do not deny there is terror every, acts like these just hit. These are our friends and they are targets for the exact same reasons we are.

I have always wanted to go to Paris. I took three years of French in High School and can still amaze people with my beautiful song about food. My heart hurts for them, not because it's Europe or France, but because that could have been us. It still can be us and honestly, I am scared.

This morning, as I put on my strong mom smile and kiss my family as I head off to work... this picture will remain in my head. This is Paris, France the day after 9/11. Undoubtedly supporting us... it's not our fight alone. This is our generation's fight and again, I'm scared.

Take a good look...

Let's stop to take a good look at ourselves.

We are more than our shapes and sizes. We are more than our beauty or brains. We weave through our daily lives barely touching on our real worth. What sparks you? What do you fear? What warms your heart? What connections are barely hanging on by the thread that has made them? When you turn off the lights of illusion and you look into that mirror... what do you really see?

I have always been so moved by the coming season. The chill in the day seems to chip away at that outer layer that summer artificially cloaked over us. Our supernatural faces over the fire in the night air allowing us to once again sense our own personal vulnerabilities. As we continue on with our pumpkin flavor-filled days, let's think about ourselves. Let's think about how we can dig deep in our inner shadows and allow them to walk along our side as the leaves fall. Counting each leaf of blessings that we encounter.

We can do better. We can love stronger. And we can certainly feel deeper.

2nd Mostly Annual Summer Family Vacation

We are back home. On my own couch and watching Hotel Impossible. Research should be done on why time flies so quickly when you have no daily responsibilities. Making memories shouldn't flash before your eyes... the memories should throughout your lifetime. I wish we could slow motion the making of them though. Removing the pictures off the camera and onto the computer is one of my favorite things to do after a vacation. I grab my coffee and relive the time photo by photo.

This year was all about friendship.  Last time was about us... our love and our wedding. Friends surrounded this excursion. Re-connection and smiles. Although Sue and I, we never ever disconnect. Our lives may be in different places ... but that girl, is always connected at the core. It was wonderful to sit with coffee.. and homemade wine concoctions... or mimosas at breakfast and just jibber babber about our lives. The same talks we always had and the same ones we always will. I thank them for opening their new home to our chaotic little family... as always. 

We went swimming until our little hearts were content... but I never got my night swimming in!  Saving that for next time. We have a little fishie boy who wants to learn to swim. His little legs kicking away in the the water was just so adorable. We went on a day date for our anniversary .. we went to see Jurassic World in Imax 3d...Took a small trek out to the beach we got married at. Collected sand from the approximate place we stood two years ago. Went to a wonderful whole in the wallish mexican restaurant and back to the house to relieve Sue from the craziness of the child our wedding made possible.

Watching the eyes of a child sitting at the base of the beach while the waves wash ashore onto his little toes is one of the sweetest things ever imaginable.

We had dinner outside while a wild storm approached but missed us. Bishop got his oysters but not his lobster. Again, he will get it next time. There just weren't enough days. But, there was plenty of fun.

Soon it's time to rejoin the real world. I do feel relaxed... but I want more! I want more beach and more pool and more of watching the baby walk around in circles after the brand new kitten.

Summer time in Twenty - Fifteen

Summer time.. and the living's easy.  I wish. Right now... this is me... Except I am the pint sized worry wart clinging on to my perception of lost control. When my children aren't in my care I feel like life is spiraling in a chaotic mess.  I've always  known and have been responsible for what they eat, when they sleep, how many kisses they receive throughout the day. Do they know their self worth? Do they wake up in the morning and greet the sun with a smile? Are they scared? Did they brush their teeth? Is that movie going to give them nightmares? But, I'm the one who comforts them and kisses their boo boos, I lay down with them when they can't sleep.... Oh, my heart hurts.....

But wait,,,,, My children... my life.. are growing. Summer adventure is essential in a well rounded childhood and yes, that means... mom isn't there. This is so foreign and weird for me. I need to trust that all I have taught them in their 15,13 and 10 years on Earth will be stored in their hearts and that they still feel my hugs 900 miles away. 

I hope their summer is carefree and memorable but I also hope they can't wait to come home to start another wonderful and successful year with Mama! So, let their feet point to the sky this summer with not a care in the world. I hope they have new experiences and their childhood selves are molded for the better. They worked hard this passed year and I know next year will be even more successful. It's time for us all to set worries aside and just have faith... trust.... this summer will be great!

Lucky

I am one lucky girl.

I just want to scream this at the top of my lungs.  I try never to take the love in my life for granted but as the routine of the days move on... it can happen. You wake up... you go to work.. you come home and start over the next day. In between that is chocked full with the faces of those you love. They wake up with you. They kiss your face, they remind you to take your lunch... that they need money for the military ball tickets or the CitySaver fundraiser, that they have a test after school or a friend is coming over. Everyone leaves... everyone experiences their own trials and challenges, successes and excitement and then come home.  Our table may be small and our family big but gathering together at dinner table makes up for so much.

I do struggle with working and missing so much. I'm one of the many working moms who do so. I just don't feel like I am doing all I can for them. Life is what it is... and we make the most of it.

When we return after our own separate days and sit around the circle table top... (baby too.) I can feel how very fortunate I am. My life is full and my heart is energized with teenagers and soon to be teenagers and a baby just beginning to learn what they have, a husband who cherishes every bit and is learning right along with the baby... this family life.

Tomorrow, the baby turns One and I am reduced to mere awe of my family through this year.

So fresh and So clean

New! Fresh start. Clean slate. These are terms to describe how we feel with the new year. As the start of a new January approaches, hope and motivation enters. There is something magical in the air in the days after Christmas. As the current year washes away, the new one props it's feet in a running position at the starting line. The clock strikes midnight on January 1st and the shot is fired in the air and away it goes. Possibilities are in reach. The future in our grasp. We are rejuvenated with goals and wishes for ourselves and our families. Hopes and worries alike for the world as a whole. 2015. Welcome!

So, my hopes for the New Year is that 2015 will be the year that...

I can set the wheels in motion for us to not live so tightly. Financially and in physical space.

I will get back the healthy and confident glow in my physical self.

I will finally go on my historic tour of Nashville.

I will learn to do one thing for myself each week. Be it a treat or a new project.

I will plan and get the family out on a monthly adventure.

Will be the year the garage gets completely organized and used for the good space it is.

and finally, my hope that 2015 will be a year we can look back at all the many ways we have lived life to the most!

2014 was about change.... 2015 is going to be about using that change to our advantage. We are a family unit of 6... this isn't new anymore.... time to put that Party of 6 to use! Unraveling what this world has to offer us all.

Happy 2015 to everyone!

'Tis the Season!

It is officially the holiday season in 2014.

This family has started our yearly traditions. Within those traditions are hidden hope and heart. These children are growing. These traditions keep them children during this season. I hope they will be 25 and helping us pick out our tree for home. My hopes are high, I know. But I want that movie family. That all come home at Christmas. I know that if they do, they will insist on their traditions. Tree, gingerbread house, lights on the river and the hotel, the pickle, pajamas and hot chocolate, movies on the couch... and family love. 

With family being the center of December... it is also a time I find myself reflecting on the year. It's the end of a year. 2014. Wow. In 2013 we were married... in 2014 we welcomed a vibrant, soulful spirit named Ashton who has shaken up all our lives. He's a perfect blend of his daddy and me and a complete mix of all his brothers and sister. I can see and feel bits and pieces of all of us in him. What a blessing, what an addition to this already amazing family.  It is his first Christmas. He is too young to know and understand the magic of the holiday season but he can feel it.

He knows there is something unique brewing at this time of year. He sees the tree, he sees the lights but he has yet to witness the magic of Christmas. It's coming little one... it's coming!

Looking back at this year.. I miss those who are not around. They have gone through so much and it pains me to not be there. 

Such a busy time of year but we always had our coffee.. and we always had our lights. I hope... I will always have you! I scared you in 2008 ... you scared me in 2014. Difference is, I wasn't there. Our blood, our hearts... they won't work against us because we have strength and love and so many wonderful people around us. I just wish I had been there for you like you were for me. I hope this scare stays in 2014!

This world is in a turmoil. We are fighting amongst eachother. We are a target from others abroad. We need to move forward... in peace and solidarity. UNITED we stand. Divided we fall. I haven't spoken much about the recent events in this country. I don't feel it's my place. I wasn't there. For those not involved in the police community they don't know the details... they don't know the training, they don't know the quick decisions needed. There are police in areas that have to make the life or death decision every day. That is not their fault. The answer to "if i don't do this will i come home to my wife and children tonight..." shouldn't ever have to cross an average person's mind on a daily basis. There are bad people in every profession. There are doctors who are off their game and misdiagnose and result in people dying. They aren't labeled racist murderers. I've seen pictures of signs that say "For each cop killed the world is a better place." Really? This hurts the core of my being. This isn't race. Someone driving by my house, sees the patrol car in the driveway... they don't know my husband is not white. They don't know my husband has an amazing family, they don't know that he would fight to save them if they were in need. Yet, that patrol car.... labels him as a murderer. Wow, the world could never be so wrong. 2014. STOP with the labels. Black, White. Cop. Criminal. We are AMERICANS... and people in other countries want us dead because of that.  It's been very hard to keep a positive forefront the last half of this year. We will get through this. We will prevail. United!

Siblings

Oh. My kids. I love them. I am proud of them. Not just for who they are but who they have been and who they will become. Already. As siblings.. they may bicker and argue (more and more as the years go on) but they have a solid bond. They support each other. Honestly, they are the greatest gift I could have given to each one of them. I can only hope they keep this bond as they venture into adults. Because it is then that their individual qualities will really be needed by the other.

Brandon is quick becoming the best role model and big brother figure. He'll keep them accountable and remind them of what is important for their goals and successes. He picks one thing and masters it. He knows what he wants in life, for himself. That is to be the best he can be. We remind him to be a kid. Have fun and enjoy his friends because these are the years that truly shape who you are. The basis for your future that you will always look back on. Being the oldest, he knows the word responsibility... does what is asked of him without a word because he knows that the reward is greater when you work hard for it. His gift to the others is definitely leading by example and will be there to help accomplish things together. He's going to have their back when they need motivation and purpose. When they don't know what college to go to.. or what direction to take. He will help them with the steps to get there and to make it happen.

Kali is the family jackie of all trades. She finds an interest.. she does it and she does good at it. She has the magnetic personality that everyone wants to be around. Yesterday as I was telling her that there will be alot of people in the stands looking at her and to just focus on her squad... she said "Mom, I don't get stage fright." This is true. She can put herself out there in life and not be afraid. She has gotten let down but she keeps on going. She's tenacious and vibrant. If she wants something.. she tries for it. Her spirit amazes me. She is definitely her sibling's cheerleader. She will be the support and feminine love that her brothers need.. long after they are out of the house. She will be the positive support .. the "you can do it" voice they will need to make that final decision. "Can I really take this job?..." One of her brothers will ask.. "Yes. You can... and you will do great because...." They are so lucky to have her as such a positive force. She will remind them that sometimes.. a hug really does cure it all. Being the only girl... she will be bombarded with girl questions from her brothers and be the one to help translate their relationships. They couldn't ask for more level-headed advice. She will help put it in perspective why their future wives do what they do. Because they just want a hug and cuddle!

Evan.... Evan will be there to remind them to not take life too seriously. Yet, he will be the one to constantly instill in them the importance of the family unit. The first two will be off... doing their own thing and it will be him to remind them they need to come home and visit mom and dad. That our hearts are what is important... and it's those who have cared for us who deserves our time. I think .... in my older days, it will be Evan that I am so thankful for. He won't forget and he won't get too caught up to visit. He will be arranging the get-togethers and be the Uncle that all my grandchildren will adore. He will be the one to drop all he is doing in a millisecond to help his brothers or sister in need. If one of them gets themselves in a bad living situation. It will be Evan that leaves where he is and drives 3 hours to help them move at 11:00 pm. He may be the source of little brother annoyance right now... but his heart is the so deep and his mind is so loving. He puts himself after everyone else and that my brothers and sisters... Is rare.

Ashton is far too little to get a feel for his qualities and aspirations.. but he is the littlest, by far. He is so fortunate to see these wonderful three grow and become who they are. I can only imagine how they will rub off on him. For now, he can sit up on daddy's shoulders and watch them on the sidelines. He's the luckiest baby on earth with these brothers and sister. They will be there for every step he learns and every word he speaks and I am positive that if ever he needs someone other than his mom or dad... he can call any one of these other three... and they will have exactly what he needs to do or hear. He will forever be the baby. They will forever help him with life and for that I know I will be so grateful.

Sunday Rain

I absolutely love waking up on a Sunday morning at around 8 o'Clock. With just enough sleep to feel rested and the house quiet enough to be only me. These days have been so incredibly busy that not only are those moments rare but they are not savored as they should be. Life is good, life is busy but there is one thing that can slow all of life's best intentions to a halt.

 It calms, it restores, it cleanses, it makes us use our minds and contemplate. It even slows drivers on a busy highway and forces a new level of careful on them. You can gain a lot of information from observing a person in the rain. On an every day level of normalcy we tend to shelter from the rain. It becomes a nuisance because it comes between our goals and where we are. However, when an individual is experiencing a certain level of emotion the rain acts as a tool. A tool of contemplation for a particularly trying time. A key to self discovery when you feel soulfully lost. A lover's drug as it washes the world away around two lives. Embracing as the drops of wet sky fall completely around their two faces. Their love at that moment is unbreakable, unwavering and pure. Passion in a million tiny hits of love. Rain, it's a force.

To me, the kiss of the sun is nothing compared to the sound of the rain hitting the roof of a house. I do love sunshine, I do. But, it can't compare... the texture is so much more dynamic. The senses are engaged. Rain is seen falling down and bouncing off an old building. Rain is felt as it plays on your skin walking down a gravel path. Rain is heard as it hits the leaves of a big oak tree over head. Rain is tasted as the children twirl in circles with their little faces to the sky. 

This morning the rain felt more cleansing than normal to my thoughts. My mind has been so full of the disturbing happenings in the world yet for the moment this morning the rain allowed me to stop those thoughts and just listen. Listen to the sky tell me that life is beautiful and that has not changed. So, as I sit here in my rocking chair with a blanket, my coffee near the window and my family under our roof, I know why people save things for a rainy day...

Summer's End

New. Everything is about to be new again. New lessons learned. New emotions handled. New achievements conquered and a fresh start to life as a child knows it. This is a favorite time of year for the kids in my house. Possibilities are limitless. Tomorrow is about to be sought out, anticipated and experienced.

New clothes, new hair, new impressions. When you are growing, each year is an experience and a chance to share what is learned... about lives past and current. Each year is an opportunity to share the sparkly new bits and pieces of yourself.

As a grown up and as a parent, summer's end really has me in a mix of emotions. Another year older in the eye of society. Not just their biological age but the age in which they exist in the community. We, as parents give them a great start. We give them the basic tools of morals, boundaries and manners. School is a kind of "on the job training" where they put those skills to use. Fine tuning them for the future. They develop their circles of friendship, they learn the importance of honesty, they have crucial struggles with disappointment and are given chances to test their knowledge. 

This year I will have a child in every stage of the school experience. High school, Middle school, Elementary school and Daycare and this summer was an unusual one. Filled with visitors and lazy days. The oldest was the only one that went on a vacation and that was because of his competition. As a family we swam, we went to the library and we talked a lot. It may have been pretty uneventful but at the same time it was nice. Yet, they are ready for summer to end. They want to learn new things and challenge their brains. They want to get together with their friends and search for tomorrow and I am so excited to fill their backpacks with encouragement. 

Let's do this!